Overcoming the Fear Barrier

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One of the tricks to becoming a rollergirl is getting over the Fear Barrier. It's natural human instinct to avoid pain and collisions, so it's really a challenge to get past the horror of crash banging into people. And, if you are anything like me, changing your mindset to embrace conflict is like flipping your whole body upside down and learning to walk on your hands. 

Last night at practice I had my first experience with "what happens on the track, stays on the track." During a scrimmage, I used my previously held natural instincts, and in avoiding a fall I scrambled and grabbed all over Back Alley Sally. I was like a cat climbing curtains. She flailed and pushed me off, screaming cuss words and retorting at me with real anger. Of course, once off the track she told me it was nothing, it was over -- this is normal for rollergirls. It took me a few more minutes to get over it. This is an experience I read about in Melicious's book -- which I haven't mentioned before, but got for Christmas and is really good. Anyway, it put me in mind of the fear barrier, changing my mind set, etc. 

I thought I had overcome this a couple of weeks ago during a scrimmage when I pummeled Tuffy off the track with my booty. I thought, wow, I'm really powerful. I'm doing great. But my head wasn't in it last night. I found the scrimmage confusing. I lost track of my fellow blocker, and couldn't get a clear sight on where the jammer was heading to get past us. Some practices are better than others, I suppose. I just hope I don't choke and let it get to me. That's something else to get past. 

When you walk down the street or drive your car, your natural inclination is to avoid bumping into other people. My Dad once waxed philosophical about this, talking about how he is amazed that so many people walk down the road and just instinctually avoid running into each other. It's true. And in derby, you have to completely alter this point of view. Instead of avoiding a collision, you seek it out, and move your obstacle out of your way. 

On occasion, I feel like I need Anya Face to just slam into me and get me over this choke up. Instead, I have to depend on only myself (cause if I asked her for this favour, she would do it and I would probably regret asking!). I have to crash into myself in my own mind. At the start of a practice, I'm just Vanessa, and I have to get into the mindset of Vansterdamn, who doesn't take any shit and is there for the fight. 

Rollerderby is a fight with yourself. It's a fight with your own fears, fears of your body, fears of your limitations, fears of success. What would happen if I actually succeeded at this? If I got past Fresh Meat status and became a real blocker, on a team, and played a season? It would change my sense of self. It would make me a physical, rather than cerebral person. I have to alter my identity. So the Fear Barrier is more than just getting used to moving people rather than avoiding them. It's getting over the fear of changing myself. 

Cheers,

Vansterdamn XXX