Resolution

Last night, I dreamed that Back Alley Sally and I got drunk and had a good talk, and that everything was okay. I dreamed that I was skating with FCDG again. Nothing had ever happened to make that impossible. I dreamed that everyone was getting along and that I was still in derby the way I used to be.

Maybe it's depressing to start my return to derby with these thoughts, but I can't help it. It's no secret that starting LOCO caused a rift between two groups of derby girls in London, Ontario. While I love the ladies at LOCO and find that group of women totally rewarding--I wouldn't want to skate with anyone else--I can't help but look back and think about what I walked away from and feel sorry that things happened the way that they did.

But the truth is, I could never have gone back to FCDG anyway. I can see now that I would never have chosen to be away from my newborn son for the two nights a week and away-games that competitive derby requires; and while there are lots of moms who play competitive derby and kick ass doing it, I'm just not going to be one of them at the moment. Regardless of anything else, I don't have the space in my life to commit to competitive derby.

That's been the ongoing problem with my life as a derby girl. When I first started to skate with the London Thrashers back in 2006, I ended up taking time off to make wedding plans and get ready for that next big step in my life. Even then, I didn't have time for derby. I think this was why I never got where I was heading. I could never fully commit.

It's because of this that I have a sense of peace heading back to LOCO. I've gotten closer to this group of derby girls, who have followed my journey through pregnancy, begged to see my new baby and gotten totally excited for me to come back and skate with them. We don't take big hits and we don't compete with other teams, but we love derby and we love to skate. We love to go out for beers on a Friday night and have a laugh. We're all coming from the same place, as women who think derby is a kick ass sport but for some reason or another can't skate competitively.

This weekend promises to be super fun. After my triumphant return on wheels at the Friday night practice, we have a baby shower for Nia Capps on Saturday and are skating in the Pride Parade on Sunday -- something I have always wanted to do! I feel exhilarated to return to LOCO, and I'm excited to see how the group grows. In this next period of my life, I hope that my involvement with this new group will be positive and that we'll build something great together.

I've also decided that this blog belongs to me and only me. In the past, I've taken down posts that people thought were negative about the sport or about local teams. But this blog doesn't belong to a team or a league or a sport. It belongs to me, and it's here to tell my story -- and that's what I'm doing from here on out.