Fat Derby Returns!

It's time to return to talking about fat, and talking about roller derby.

The truth is, when I don't keep up with my fellow fatties on the internet, it's easy to fall back into old mentalities. It's harder to keep up my body-love thinking. I'm more likely to have "fat" days, start beating myself up about the sugar in my Starbucks, or get triggered by other people's diet talk. I need to stay on the ball, because I believe this to be true: my body is a beautiful thing.

Roller derby is a unique challenge when it comes to body image because, well, we don't wear a lot of clothes. I've been slowly disrobing. At LOCO Roller Derby, we make it a priority to foster an encouraging and positive environment. This goes hand-in-hand with the sport. It doesn't matter how good our training is, how fast we skate, or how many women come out on a Friday night. If we aren't having a good time and pushing each other to be happier, healthier, and empowered women, none of that matters. My philosophy of self-acceptance works well within this construct. It's because of this that I've had the courage to take off my yoga pants and don tights with hot pants.

The first time was at Wipe Out, our big public charity fundraiser in May. I wore these gold hot pants:

Which in action, looked like this:

My pal Villain-Elle made them (she's on the team). She had other colours to choose from, but I picked GOLD because I wanted to make a conscious choice not to be embarrassed about my ass. I wanted to put my booty out there and say, fuck it, I look awesome in these hot pants! Plus I was a little tipsy when she had me pick the colour and I was convinced I would look like Wonder Woman. She's been bugging me to give them back to her so she can take them in ever since, since she said they were too big, and whatever, maybe they were a little, but still -- I wore gold hot pants in front of a crowd! Playing a sport! That's a big step for the shamed little fat girl I used to be.

Since then I've discovered that I really prefer working out in tights and hot pants. My body can move more freely. I'm not thinking about how I look or what I'm wearing, despite the fact that I'm wearing fewer clothes. And while I still have not overcome hang-ups about other things -- like swimsuits, as my derby friends can attest, and as was clearly demonstrated at a pool party this summer -- I think I've almost completely conquered my derby-garb issues.

Some people are surprised when I express doubts or insecurities about my body. They're confused because I'm so vocal about my body-positivity philosophy, my anti-dieting stance, and they wonder how these two points of view can co-exist in one person. But while I fight to remove the stigma from fatness, I am also engrained with years and years of shame-training. Every day is a fight to get past the stupid shitty thinking that was packed into my brain like donuts in a bingeing pie-hole. If there is one thing I am always purging, it is the negativity that clings to my thighs worse than cellulite and tears away at my belly worse than stretch marks.

When it comes to derby, I've decided to fake it 'til I make it. So when I saw this picture of myself, roll exposed, belly hanging out, I made it my profile photo on Facebook. Because the old me would have been terrified to have this picture out there. The new me knows it's a great photograph. It shows me at my best -- playing my favourite sport, and not giving a shit what anyone thinks of me.

Keep on rolling - and I promise to post again next week, the long-awaited crossovers post. 

Vansterdamn XXX

Photos by Rosemary Van Gelderen and Brendan Adam Zwelling Photography