Vansterdamn XXX

So Proud of LOCO

2011-11-09T10:30:00.000-08:00

Today I was updating the LOCO website and I just got so proud of what we have done.

It's been a long time since Nia Capps and I sat down at Crabby Joe's and talked about starting a recreational derby league. Seems like forever since I got inspired by Derby Lite and thought, why couldn't we do something like that here? We started LOCO when I was pregnant, and now my kid is almost 18 months old. Such a little idea, and it has grown and grown and grown. Just yesterday I got emails about starting two new LOCO chapters in Ontario. The mail-carrier brought me a copy of a derby magazine from Australia, called Hit & Miss, and there is an article about LOCO Roller Derby.

We've found a way to bring out the best in so many skaters. I knew Vegas from FCDG, but I didn't know what a powerhouse trainer she would turn out to be! She's whipped our group into shape, always makes sure to put challenges in front of us, keeps us motivated -- and never calls us bitches. Leading London's skaters, she is incredible. I'm super impressed by all our VPs - Kole d'Hearted in Brantford, Lemon Zinger in Stratford, and the relentless Pepper Assault of Kitchener.

Who would have thought that in two short years we would have four LOCO chapters, and be holding our first ever LOCO Tournament? On November 19th, the LOCO chapters will face-off in a mixed-roster match, beautiful coined the "Elle Grande" LOCO Tournament. Awesome!

This morning, checking out J-Whoa's new video for Stratford's LOCO chapter, it struck me that we've really started a new movement. LOCO isn't just for Ontario. It's for every derby girl, everywhere. It's the place to skate when you are injured or retired. It's the place to start out when you're too chicken shit to go to your local full-contact practice. It's the place where the biggest fans of the sport can play the sport when they need a low-cost, low-commitment alternative. It's a place for volunteers to rally behind their home teams and cheer them on to the championships.

This January, LOCO Ontario is launching its new administrative structure and master manual for all the chapters. We're finally going to have a totally coherent system from which to grow. Who knows what the future holds, but right now, we're just getting bigger and bigger!

I am so proud of my LOCO ladies, and I can't wait to celebrate at our second annual Rollerball--to not only celebrate the accomplishments of LOCO skaters in London, but to celebrate the movement we gave birth to here in our little city in Southwestern Ontario.

#occupyrollerderby

I am a bigot

2011-09-21T18:30:00.000-07:00

I am a bigot.

Here’s why: a bigot is defined as someone who is strongly partial to one’s own group, religion, race or politics and is intolerant of those who differ. Yeah, that’s me.

I cannot tolerate sizeists, racists, sexists, abortion clinic bombers, homophobics and social conservatives. In fact, I am so sick of their crap, I cannot even condescend to speak to them about the issues upon which we disagree. These are not conversations I am patient enough to have anymore. As far as I’m concerned, the human race has moved on, and if you haven’t caught up, you are just less evolved than I am—I say “evolved,” because even though I am a Christian, I haven’t written off the theory of evolution.

It’s embarrassing, because for the most part, the sizeist, racist, sexist abortion clinic bombers (who always somehow get caught buggering someone of the same sex in a roadside bathroom) are always self-professed Christians. They make it really hard for me to follow the actual teachings of Christ and be taken seriously. Concepts like universal grace and unconditional love get kinda lost when you are banning people from your establishment because they wear a dress and have a penis at the same time. The bible says that God sees the heart of man and not his outer appearance, but I suppose we should trifle about which side of the department store you shop on, even though, you know, Jesus pranced around the desert in what was pretty nearly a dress.

Of course, this issue is not a trifle to the manager of the Trails End Farmer’s Market in London, Ontario. It’s an issue of morality. Even though gay marriage is legal in Canada, according to him, “it’s not legal in my establishment”—he said that to me on the phone. He doesn’t seem to understand that banning transgendered employees of vendors from his market violates the fifteenth section of the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms. Apparently, his insane religious beliefs make him smarter than the rest of us.

I have loads of friends that still think that being homosexual is a sin. We just don’t talk about it. As I mentioned earlier, these are not conversations I’m willing to have anymore. People will believe what they chose to believe, and if they ever come to the spiritual awakening that I did and embrace God’s unrestricted affection for all of humanity, there are plenty of resources for them to read, listen to and embrace that can help them gain a deeper understanding of God’s complete and utter love for homosexuals and yes, even a guy in a dress. Until that time, any conversation we have is just going to be a waste of time.

Honestly, it’s a relief that my friends don’t tell me about their terrible, horrible secret opinions. I’m very glad they stay closeted about it. Because I am a bigot. I can’t handle it. It’s just not natural. I mean, I’m not sure I can even pray with them anymore, because their homophobia might rub off on me. Is it even safe to share a toilet with them?

I’m a bigot. And I’m not ashamed.

Roller Derby Training for Fatties: Cross-Overs

2011-08-31T18:09:00.000-07:00

Ages ago I said I would post on how to do cross-overs as a fat derby skater. In the photo above, you'll see a perfect cross-over. But here's the thing: when you can't cross your legs, how do you perform a cross-over?

This has been one of the biggest challenges for me as a skater. It's also very difficult from a learning standpoint because when you ask someone who is good at cross-overs to help you, they are inevitably someone who can easily cross their legs off-skate and can't comprehend your fat-specific needs as a skater. A lot of plus-size derby girls just skip cross-overs all together and find other ways to get speed and navigate corners, adopting an awkward version of cross-overs for skills testing.

Here's the thing: I have, on occasion, performed a proper cross-over. It requires the perfect storm of quad strength, muscle warmth, flexibility and distraction. Usually it's during a speed drill, when I don't even think about it. But there is a way to train for cross-overs when you can't cross your legs, and here are my tips on how to do fat cross-overs:

1. START BY RUNNING ON THE CORNERS

Some derby teams train doing "fast feet" or "quick steps." If you are familiar with this drill, you'll understand how important agility is as a big skater. To start doing cross-overs, use fast feet every time you hit the corner. Another way to look at it is running, sprinting or jogging on the corners. Get your feet moving. Don't get stuck in a lean. Learn that you can still transfer your weight when you are concentrating on making a tight turn and not sliding out.

I have found that simply running on the corners often gives me the speed advantage I miss out on when it's not a confident cross-over night. You can still use the push of your outer right thigh and the push of your inner left thigh to get some of the acceleration of a cross-over without performing one completely.

2. LEAN FORWARD

A very insightful ref once told me that he noticed that bigger skaters have to lean further forward when they skate around the corners. This is true. You can also translate this into "good derby training" language by saying you should GET LOW. Every skater knows that getting low enough is the never-ending challenge for a derby skater. So, work on it. Get low and lean forward.

If you think about the geometry of your thighs, you have to make a wider gait to cross your legs over one another. The farther forward you lean and the lower you get, the wider your gait will become. This will allow you to perform a fat cross-over.

2. EXERCISE YOUR QUADS

If you want to carry your weight in roller derby, the biggest focus will have to be on building quad strength. Without this, you can't get low and you can't lean forward. Do squats, leg presses and anything else you can to get your quads up to speed. This will help you with all of your derby skills (see my earlier post on Training for Fatties). Your quads are the key to making your weight your biggest asset. They allow you to move your booty around quickly and with accuracy.

Hope this helps all my fat derby sisters out there! I'll have some more Roller Derby Training for Fatties posts in the future.

Fat Derby Returns!

2011-08-17T11:05:00.000-07:00

It's time to return to talking about fat, and talking about roller derby.

The truth is, when I don't keep up with my fellow fatties on the internet, it's easy to fall back into old mentalities. It's harder to keep up my body-love thinking. I'm more likely to have "fat" days, start beating myself up about the sugar in my Starbucks, or get triggered by other people's diet talk. I need to stay on the ball, because I believe this to be true: my body is a beautiful thing.

Roller derby is a unique challenge when it comes to body image because, well, we don't wear a lot of clothes. I've been slowly disrobing. At LOCO Roller Derby, we make it a priority to foster an encouraging and positive environment. This goes hand-in-hand with the sport. It doesn't matter how good our training is, how fast we skate, or how many women come out on a Friday night. If we aren't having a good time and pushing each other to be happier, healthier, and empowered women, none of that matters. My philosophy of self-acceptance works well within this construct. It's because of this that I've had the courage to take off my yoga pants and don tights with hot pants.

The first time was at Wipe Out, our big public charity fundraiser in May. I wore these gold hot pants:

Which in action, looked like this:

My pal Villain-Elle made them (she's on the team). She had other colours to choose from, but I picked GOLD because I wanted to make a conscious choice not to be embarrassed about my ass. I wanted to put my booty out there and say, fuck it, I look awesome in these hot pants! Plus I was a little tipsy when she had me pick the colour and I was convinced I would look like Wonder Woman. She's been bugging me to give them back to her so she can take them in ever since, since she said they were too big, and whatever, maybe they were a little, but still -- I wore gold hot pants in front of a crowd! Playing a sport! That's a big step for the shamed little fat girl I used to be.

Since then I've discovered that I really prefer working out in tights and hot pants. My body can move more freely. I'm not thinking about how I look or what I'm wearing, despite the fact that I'm wearing fewer clothes. And while I still have not overcome hang-ups about other things -- like swimsuits, as my derby friends can attest, and as was clearly demonstrated at a pool party this summer -- I think I've almost completely conquered my derby-garb issues.

Some people are surprised when I express doubts or insecurities about my body. They're confused because I'm so vocal about my body-positivity philosophy, my anti-dieting stance, and they wonder how these two points of view can co-exist in one person. But while I fight to remove the stigma from fatness, I am also engrained with years and years of shame-training. Every day is a fight to get past the stupid shitty thinking that was packed into my brain like donuts in a bingeing pie-hole. If there is one thing I am always purging, it is the negativity that clings to my thighs worse than cellulite and tears away at my belly worse than stretch marks.

When it comes to derby, I've decided to fake it 'til I make it. So when I saw this picture of myself, roll exposed, belly hanging out, I made it my profile photo on Facebook. Because the old me would have been terrified to have this picture out there. The new me knows it's a great photograph. It shows me at my best -- playing my favourite sport, and not giving a shit what anyone thinks of me.

Keep on rolling - and I promise to post again next week, the long-awaited crossovers post.

Vansterdamn XXX

Photos by Rosemary Van Gelderen and Brendan Adam Zwelling Photography

LOCO Sluts!

2011-04-11T11:31:00.000-07:00

This Sunday, LOCO Roller Derby got on board with the London Solidarity Slut Walk. We were Safety Sisters, so our job was to help keep the foot traffic in line during the walk, making sure everyone was safe as they marched and stayed on the right side of the street. It was amazing. About 400 people showed up according the police officers there. It was peaceful, empowering and exciting.

Since the march was controversial, I wanted to write a little bit about the Slut Walk and what it meant, especially since I blog about what the word FAT means. A lot of people objected to the use of the term SLUT, including some of my family members. They didn't understand why we would support the use of that word, a word that has been used to make women feel like shit about themselves. Some of the participants referred to reclaiming the word SLUT, and for the objectors, they didn't get how we could ever turn the word SLUT into a positive word.

I'm a FAT activist, and part of FAT activism is taking the word FAT back. That means removing the negative connotations of the word. When I say, "I'm fat," I don't mean, "I suck." When someone calls me FAT, I say, "yeah, I know." I describe other large women as fellow FATties, surf FAT girl websites and shop in FAT girl clothing stores. That's because being FAT isn't a bad thing. When people say I'm not FAT, I have to stop them and say, yes, yes, I am FAT. But I also have to explain that I agree with them in a way - I'm not FAT in the way they think I am using the word. I am not lazy, misshapen, abnormal or ugly. But I am another kind of FAT: I'm beautiful, and that's fine with me. Better than fine, I'm actually happy to be FAT. Being FAT has made me who I am. At this point in my life, I wouldn't want to be thin. I take back the word FAT. It means something new.

I don't think we can take back the word SLUT in the same way. We're not about to go around being proud to be SLUTs. I mean, some activists might try doing that as a way to celebrate their sexuality, but the difference is, my sexuality is private in a different way than my body. You can see my body right in front of you. My sexual habits are hidden and only shared with some others. And while my body is private in that it is only my business, it is public for you to see. My sex life is totally private, unless I chose otherwise. This is an essential difference.

And we also have to remove SLUT from the same dialogue as GAY and LESBIAN or any other LGBT referencing words. Some people might get these words jumbled into the same pile because they involve sex. But, your sexual orientation is an essential part of who you are, and while private, is also public in the way that FAT is. Your sexual orientation affects your daily life, your social world. It's visible to others (if you let it be - I'm not saying you can spot a gay person by how they look). So, the word SLUT can't taken back the way some derogatory words referencing the LGBT community can be.

Does that make sense? I'm trying to make a point and it might not be coming across very well. But I think most women would agree that we'd like to stop using the word SLUT rather than calling all women SLUTs, because all women have the right to be sexual, and if we reclaimed the word SLUT in that way, we would have to call all of us SLUTs.

Reclaiming the word SLUT means something different in this case. It means taking away the word's power. By coming together in this walk and calling ourselves all SLUTs and walking together in solidarity, we're showing the word to be hollow and empty. We're taking away it's hurtfulness. So rather than giving the word SLUT a new meaning, we're making it mean nothing.

The women of LOCO seemed to instinctual get this, and while we didn't sit down and hash it out, we showed our support by showing up and helping out. Afterwards, we sat on a patio where I got a righteous sunburn and had a beer. The Slut Walk brought us together -- again -- and reminded us of how much power there is in coming together to stand up for what is right.

The Slut Walk isn't for everyone, and that's cool. Not everyone can look at a word like SLUT straight on and not be offended. Some people would just like us to banish the word like we have other derogatory phrases and move on. But for others, this was a chance to attack an attitude in society that women are somehow responsible for the sexual assaults and rapes that they are subject to. After all, we all know someone who has been raped or assaulted.

I capitalized these words, because we need to look at them. We need to face what they mean, and choose whether or not to give these words the power they ask for.

What do you think? I'm trying to express something here and I'd like to know if I did it well, so please write in the comments (unless you are just a hater, and then I'll delete you, cause it's my blog and I can do that if I want).

For the time being, I'm proud to have walked with all my fellow LOCO Sluts this Sunday.

Vansterdamn XXX

Roller Derby Training for Fatties: Basics

2011-03-07T06:33:00.000-08:00

A reader messaged me about fat-specific training for roller derby. When I started out, there were absolutely no resources on this topic, and I still can't find any, so let me start with some basics, and later I'll post on ever fat derby girl's nemesis: the cross-over.

But first, some basics -- and all this with the caveat that I'm no Suzy Hotrod :)

The muscle groups that challenge me the most are my upper thigh/hip muscles, my lower back/core muscles and my shins. If you are trying to achieve proper derby stance, these will all be working hard, no matter what your weight. The thing is, if you are a big girl, your muscles are carrying more weight, so you need more muscles to carry yourself in the right position. What is the right position? Click here. You may have trouble getting as low as you can go because your belly might press against your thighs. This is a common problem, and I notice many larger skaters, no matter how accomplished, often ride higher than their tiny pals. That being said, always press for the burn -- if you can't feel your muscles working, guess what? they aren't.

Getting your muscles toned to carry your weight in proper derby stance is 90% of the battle. It can take a long time. I would say that it has taken me a full year to get myself into the shape I want to be in for proper derby stance each time I've taken an extended break from the sport. The good news is, once you have those muscle groups working well, you will have an easier time doing transitions, skating backwards and increasing your speed. You need these major muscle groups to be working well in order so you can get to the fine muscle groups in the next step of your training, learning agility and quick movements.

Remember, we're all built differently. You might have some muscles that are all ready there. You might have one group of muscles that needs more work than another. Don't sweat it -- or rather, do sweat it!

When I go to the gym, I do the following workout on these muscle groups to target my derby needs.

1. Cardio

I hit the elliptical trainer for 20-40 minutes depending on the day and how much time I have (I spend 20-40 minutes on weights, for a total hour workout). The more cardio the better. Every time you do cardio, you force your lungs to develop new blood vessels that carry oxygen to your muscles. Your whole workout, your muscle strength, everything rests on your cardiovascular health.

2. Core

This means your abs, your obliques and your back. I do basic sit-ups, oblique sit-ups, and then I use the back machine. You can also do "reverse sit-ups," something I created on my own. I stand with my legs shoulder width apart, knees bent in derby position, and then I bend forward with my hands behind my head like when doing a sit-up. Keep your back straight! Then I press upwards. Find the sweet spot that is the hardest and press against it. Do tiny movements or big ones, whatever gives you the burn. You can also do these on skates on your knees. Bend your butt backwards like you are sitting on your skates and crunch forward. When you come up again, press your ass forwards and suck in. ** When you are exercising your back, keep your abs taut -- stabilizing your core.

3. Thighs/Hips

I use the hip abductor machines (inner and outer), the hamstring machine and the quad machine. If you are brave, you can use the glute machine, but I find these machine is not very fatty friendly, and prefer to work my glutes on the elliptical or wave machines.

4. Shins

To offset shin pain, I work on my calves, doing calf presses. You'll find with time and stretching, your shin splints will disappear.

Now, I skate recreationally. If I were a competitive skater, I would do this 5 times a week. But I'm a busy momma, so I do this Monday and Wednesday, and I skate with LOCO Roller Derby on Fridays.

Later I will blog about going to the gym and being fat (a whole issue on its own) and crossovers.

Just a quick disclaimer: if going to the gym triggers dieting mentality or body-loathing for you, try finding alternatives to these exercises at home. You can also do a lot with climbing stairs (really works all those target groups at once!).

Vansterdamn

XXX

The Safety Zone: Fat Jokes Aren't Funny

2011-03-02T15:51:00.000-08:00

That's one of those anonymous headless fatty photos from a news program. It's pretty offensive, but that's not what I'm here to post about today. Today, I want to address the Safety Zone.

What is the Safety Zone? It's the space I create around me where I don't have to put up with remarks about body and weight that are contrary to my ideas of loving my fat self. In the Safety Zone, I don't have to engage with people in diet talk, listen to them make comments about other people's bodies, my body or about how important it is to be thin. They can try, but I'll shut them down. I figure, the most effective thing I can do as a dabbling fat activist is to try to shut down the fat-hate I encounter on a daily basis. It's about on par with buying local produce and not driving a car. Like my carbon footprint, I'm trying to make a small impact that has larger effects.

I decided to implement my Safety Zone (coined thusly for the purposes of this blog) because after 31 years of being told I'm too fat for the world, I figured I could stop putting up with that kinda shit. When I try to shut down diet/body-shame talk, it usually results in some typical responses.

"Oh shit, there goes Vanessa on her fat acceptance bullshit again. Shut up quick or she'll go on about it forever."

"I guess I shouldn't make fat jokes in front of my fat friend, duh."

"This obviously makes Vanessa uncomfortable, and out of an innate sense of courtesy, I'm going to shut the hell up."

All of these responses mean an end to the conversation. Hooray!

However, sometimes you get people who actually feel like it's a good time to debate fat acceptance with me, or persist in making comments that they know are pissing me off. Often, these buggers accompany their inexorable explanations with the usual ideas, like "But don't you know that being fat is unhealthy?" or "It's their fault they are fat" or "It's okay to make fun of fat people because being fat is a choice."

When I run into people like this, I would best compare it to watching Christopher Hitchens get into a debate with Billy Graham. No one is going to change their mind. The debate will go nowhere. It makes everyone uncomfortable. My response to these situations is usually to back down and get the hell out.

To make things more complicated, since "fat" is such a subjective concept, I often find that friends will make fat jokes in front of me. They don't think to themselves don't make fat jokes in front of a fatty because they don't think of me as fat - this says a lot about what "fat" means in our cultural perception. They are often shocked that I would be offended by a fat joke, and think I'm being stupid and picky, the way some people are offended by any joke and are humourless sour pusses intent on ruining everyone's good time.

I believe that censorship is wrong. And I believe that humour should have no boundaries. There are jokes about rape that are funny (see Sarah Silverman). There are jokes about being gay that are funny. There are jokes about handicaps that are freaking hilarious. There are also jokes to be made about fatness. Many female, gay and handicapped people would laugh at these jokes. Nevertheless...

Fat jokes are not funny.

Gay jokes are not funny.

Handicap jokes are not funny.

Making fun of the way someone was born is not inherently funny. All you're doing is pointing at someone and laughing at them for being them. It's not okay. And I won't stand there and watch you do it and not say anything about it.

And I'm sorry if that makes you angry at me. But I have to say something. Besides, you're in my Safety Zone. And if you haven't noticed, I blog, Tweet, Facebook and talk about Fat Acceptance a lot. A. Lot. So wake up, and if you don't want me to say anything about it, don't say it around me. Just like you wouldn't make a gay joke in front of your gay friend, or a race joke in front of a visible minority, don't make a fat joke in front of a fat person.

Duh.

Sweating it Out

2011-01-31T10:03:00.000-08:00

We had a scrimmage on Friday - and my team totally rocked it! The Red Shirts, aka The Ellen Degenerates, came out on top. And after the game we were energized and wanted to keep on skating!

I was super excited for the game, because no one in my circle of friends or family has ever seen me on the track. My husband came out with my son and took pictures and video, so now there is proof on this planet that I've actually skated in a game of roller derby. While LOCO doesn't have public ticketed bouts, it's nice to know that my family can still see the pay off for the work I've done.

Speaking of work, my anticipation of the scrimmage led me to a new workout schedule. I have a family membership at the YMCA, so while my hubby takes our son swimming, I hit the elliptical trainer. I used to work out to lose weight and out of a sense of guilt, but now I work out to feel strong and succeed at my sport. With these different motivations, I discovered that I weirdly enjoy these machines that sort've turn you into a giant gerbil on a treadmill. Lately I've been listening to Robyn's album Body Talk, and it kicks my ass into high gear.

After working out on the elliptical, I've been hitting the weight machines with a focus on strength for derby. Now, I know that being fit all over is the best for derby, but there are some key muscle groups that really improve your performance, especially if you're starting off from zero. I concentrate on my core, my lower back and my abdomen, and them my hips and thighs. I use the inner and outer hip abductor and the quad and hamstring machines.

Just a couple of tips from me: do your reps slowly! and select a low enough weight that you can complete 10 reps. I have found this to be the most consistent way to build muscle. Some people swear by fewer, harder reps, and some by more light reps, but the middle ground works for me.

Only a few weeks of this workout regime and my skating has improved ten-fold. After the last jam of the night, I was genuinely surprised that we weren't at a half-time, but at the end of the game!

Another piece of exciting news: my local YMCA allows me to rollerskate in the gym during scheduled recreational time. If I can get in there before the basketball thugs take over, the space is mine! This allowed me to work on endurance and agility. For the first time ever, I did a crossover in the opposite direction, skated backwards and improved my transitions. It was epic!

Vansterdamn XXX

The Ontario Government Sponsors Fat-Hate

2011-01-17T20:42:00.000-08:00

This video is disgusting.

It makes people feel terrible about themselves.

Most men will end up with a belly, weird body hair and man-boobs. It's part of life, part of aging. High blood pressure and diabetes happen in thin people too.

We have to divorce the concepts of health and fat - they are not mutually exclusive, and thinness does not equal health.

Imagine if it was a fat woman in this commercial! All the feminist blogs would be up in arms about how we put false ideals in front of young girls and make women feel terrible for aging and having post-baby bodies, etc.

I can't believe that the government I pay taxes to is sponsoring this kind of fat-hate. And I can't believe I haven't read one single blog or article that is as outraged as I am at its stupidity and garbage message.

On a positive note, I did hear about an amazing lobbying group on the CBC today, and you should definitely take a moment to read about it here. I don't know if the Canadian Obesity Network is on the ball with fat-acceptance, but the idea of making it illegal to shame people based on their body sounds a-okay for me.

Because my body is nobody's business but mine.

The Fat-Acceptance Roller Derby Workout Challenge

2011-01-07T09:46:00.001-08:00

The Fat-Acceptance Roller Derby Workout Challenge

1. Love your body.

2. Eat food that nourishes your body.

Once you stop treating food like the enemy, you can listen to your body and it will tell you what it really wants and needs. Make all food legal. Eat because food gives you life, and celebrate the amazing flavours the world has to offer you.

3. Move your body because it feels good.

Exercise increases your endorphines. It empowers you. It strengthens you. Don't go to the gym because you "should" or participate in roller derby to lose even one pound. Do it because it's fun, and because derby is the best sport in the universe.

4. Be confident as a derby skater.

Aim to increase your speed, agility and strength in roller derby - regardless of your weight! Know that your weight has no bearing on your skills as a skater. That's not to say that you don't have to modify your training to accommodate your body - tall skaters and short skaters train differently, just as fat and thin ones will have to. But don't ever let your fat keep you from skating.

5. Learn to see fat as beautiful.

Find a person you consider frighteningly fat, and learn to see them differently. And I don't mean that you should discover their "great personality." I mean that you should actually learn to see those rolls and mountains of flesh as lovely, soft mounds of beautiful person. Imagine having sexy time with a big old fatty. Practice this. You will find your attitudes change.

6. Don't weigh yourself. Ever again.

The number on the scale is completely arbitrary in regards to how "fat" you feel. Countless articles and studies will tell you that BMI is bullshit. Get rid of your scale.

7. Don't participate in diet and fat shaming conversation.

Talking about how much you hate your body with other people isn't cool, and listening to other people tell you how fat their thighs are is just dumb. If you hear someone talking negatively about a fat person, tell them to shut their pie holes. The same goes for skinny gals - don't complain about your tiny boobs and hips, and don't point out girls who look anorexic. Their body is none of your business.

I encourage you to write Facebook notes or blogs telling me how your Fat-Acceptance Roller Derby Workout Challenge goes in 2011!

Read about what inspired this post here.

New Years Fatty Fears

2011-01-07T09:45:00.000-08:00

As an advocate of fat acceptance, one of the most challenging times of the year for me is right around January 1st. Everyone starts talking about losing that last 10 lbs., TV adverts for weight loss are pumped up and your gym is crowded with people punishing themselves for eating too many sweets over the holidays. Even CBC radio isn't a safe haven, with its special reports on lap band surgery and its promos for a new TV show about a village that loses a metric ton of weight.

Disappointingly, even roller derby isn't safe from the New Year's dieting craze. Enter the Roller Derby Workout Challenge. The goal is to get derby girls to be more healthy and in shape, applaudable ideals. There's a DVD you can buy (yeah, figures money is involved, as it is in most diet initiatives) and a group on Facebook. The DVD actually looks kinda fun, and I like working out in my living room. But I was deeply saddened to see the first post on the Facebook group involved a detailed diet plan.

Sigh.

Participants are asked to blog their experiences in Facebook notes, and I clicked on a few and read comments like this one:

To feel better about myself as at the moment i feel like

im falling into a black hole....i cant even go shopping coz i think urgh what is that thing in the mirror.

Yikes. That's not really the kind of female empowerment I expect from derby culture!

I hope to reign in my awful diet ... so I don't feel like a total heiffer on skates!

Terrible!

"That photo makes you look pregnant, are you trying to win by showing fatty photos!"

"I'm not really interested in the prizes, they're skating things, what the hell would I do with roller skates? I just nearly cried when I saw this pic so wanted to remind myself of why I want to do this!"

In response to this heinous garbage, I've decided to make my own Fat Acceptance Roller Derby Workout Challenge for the coming year (see my next post). I know a lot of derby skaters are doing the challenge - A LOT. And I know not all of them are about body shaming. But this is the problem with diet programs: they infer that there is something wrong with you. If the aim is to increase health, a whole new approach is necessary.

Haters, I direct you to this post by Kate Harding.

I'd like to end with a shout out to Knuckle Slamwitch, a skater with Toronto's Rollergettes, who helped me out with a listening ear the other night at our local roller rink. No matter how strong I might seem to others in my fat-acceptance stance, after years of hating my body and feeling ashamed of my fatness, it's easy to slip into those old mindsets once in a while. It was a derby sister who reminded me to love myself, unconditionally, and stay strong. I hope I can do the same for all of you!

Fat Matters

2010-12-07T15:00:00.000-08:00

My last blog post, in response to a controversy generated by blogger Jim Dandy Goodness, as a result of my letter in the London Free Press, has gotten some flak. It's this paragraph that caused the problem:

"There are no overweight and slow athletes on the Thames Fatales. To be brutally honest, that was one of the reasons I co-founded LOCO Roller Derby, a recreational derby organization that fosters the sport in women of all skill levels without as much risk of injury (www.locorollerderby.com). We take all the retired, fat, slow derby girls (including myself, by the way) and skate Friday nights for fun. Some of us are better than others, but we don’t pretend to be elite athletes."

Basically, some ladies in LOCO feel like I called them fat, and they don't like it. Let's unpack that.

People see being fat as a bad thing. I don't. I've been fat my entire life, and only recently have I begun to explore body politics and embrace my fat and love my fat. Being fat isn't a bad thing. Neither is being skinny or tall or short. Some people are fat. I am one of them.

The word FAT is a loaded gun. People use it to hurt others. People use it to denigrate themselves. People have an irrational fear and hatred of fat, fueled by many reports that FATNESS causes health problems, ruins society and is generally disgusting. These attitudes are explored by much greater minds than mine at blogs like The Rotund, Fatshionista, Shapely Prose and my latest indulgence, the Fatcast. Educate yourself a little bit, and you'll discover that FATNESS is a bigger issue than you realized, and that body acceptance and body love are issues that affect people of all sizes, not just the morbidly obese like myself.

Part of my journey into body politics includes embracing the word FAT as a valueless descriptor. I am fat. There is nothing wrong with that. I no longer use that word to mean a negative thing.

In the paragraph in question, part of the reason I used the word fat was because I was being honest and there are fat people in LOCO. There are skinny people too. There are some terrific skaters that would kick ass in competitive skating, and there are some not so good ones too. I also used that word--let me confess--because I know that some skaters in another league have used the word FAT to try to tear down what LOCO is and what LOCO is trying to be.

It is essential to LOCO and everything our recreational derby organization stands for to embrace body acceptance and love and discard these criticisms as basically idiotic. The whole point of recreational derby is to allow women of all shapes, all sizes and all abilities to play roller derby. There is no contest, no bar to measure up to, where we are the fat, slow, bad skaters versus the thin, fast, awesome skaters. That's not the case. We are simply the organization that is open to fat, slow, bad skaters -- because we don't give a shit how good you are. We just want you to know you can play. You're allowed to play. Our program is open to any woman over the age of 19 who can get skates on her feet. Hell, if you're without the use of your legs and you can find some way to skate, we'll see what we can do!

As a co-founder, when I envisioned LOCO, I thought of all the things that initially attracted me to roller derby. I thought of the female companionship, the sisterhood, embracing a sport (a feminist act in itself), building a community and having a lot of fun. These were the founding ideas of LOCO: fun, friendship and fitness. Let's add another f-word to that list: FAT.

I'll tell you why FAT matters. It matters because fat people are told they are garbage their whole lives. They are told that they are less than perfect, that the only reason they are less than perfect is their own lack of willpower or fortitude. They are denied the right to dress like the rest of society, date like the rest of society or enjoy physical activity like the rest of society, and especially denied the right to enjoy food like every other human being on the planet. They are shamed, blamed and left out. Just like many visible minorities, fat people are discriminated against.

LOCO Roller Derby is, first and foremost, open to everyone. It is a place for all women, no exceptions. With that in mind, I embrace my fatness as a derby girl, and the fatness of any woman I skate with. And when I say that LOCO has fat skaters, that's a good thing. It means we don't turn people away or weed them out by socially ostracizing them or using any of those other nasty means society has used to get rid of the scary fatties. Bring it on! We love that adipose tissue!

To members of LOCO who were mad about what I wrote, I wish I could apologize, but all I can say is that instead of worrying that people are going to think you are fat because you are part of the "fat, slow league," then you need to get over it.

If you have any questions or comments about this, please message me, because I would love to offer you some resources including the book When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies and help you start to liberate yourself from the fat-loathing culture we live in. After all, this blog isn't just about derby. It's about a BIG ASS derby girl. That's me.

Vansterdamn
XXX

Is Derby Deserving?

2010-11-15T15:24:00.000-08:00

One of my favourite bloggers over at Jim Dandy Goodness decided to get into with me about whether or not Roller Derby should be covered in the London Free Press. I wrote a letter to the paper, and he contends that I am incorrect. Below is my rebuttal to his original post, which he also put on his website.

*****

It was me. I wrote the letter to the Free Press that started the debate. It was a moment of clarity, when 50 magic words come to mind to make your point clearly and concisely. Now I’ll unpack my thoughts a bit for you.

I attended the November 6 Roller Derby bout at the Western Fairgrounds, and so did nearly 1000 other people. It was packed. The game was full of action, and our local team showed skill, charisma and undaunted endurance during their hour of play – for those of you who don’t know, derby bouts are usually two 30 minutes halves. At halftime, the score was an unbelievable 148 to 8, and they relentlessly played their way to a final score of 268 to 18. The Mid Michigan Derby Girls, a WFTDA apprentice team (WFTDA is the governing body of women’s flat-track roller derby), got their butts kicked, and it all happened in London, Ontario.

The bone of contention is that I called highschool basketball “neat” and basically said that roller derby is more important and newsworthy than highschool basketball. Both sides of this debate are subjective points of view. I don’t think there really is a truth to be found. After all, it has to be said that journalists look for good stories first and foremost. We also have to take into account the level of journalism we can expect from the London Free Press. Ahem. Was that a tactful way to put it?

Roller derby is the first sport I’ve ever truly loved. I love playing it, despite my questionable ability to do so. I love watching it on Derby News Network online (DNN) and I love the culture of female empowerment that comes with it. I love seeing women come together with nothing but a flat open space and often mish-mashed equipment, and a printed off rules set, to train themselves to become experts at a sport that is harder than it looks. The story, from a journalistic standpoint, is inherently there. I can’t think of a derby league or team that starts out as anything more than a group of underdogs. Plus, they are women, and women in sport is always a fascinating place to start.

The other thing is that I hated highschool sports. I hated all the smug assholes who played them. I thought the people who got to university on sports scholarships were undeserving, especially as a A-grade poor kid who was lucky to get a $1500 bursary. The only sports events I attended during high school were the ones that got me out of class, and even then I tried my best to duck out and head to my favourite downtown coffee shop.

I can appreciate true athleticism. If you’re in the NBA or something, sure, that’s admirable. You worked hard, you deserve the glory. In hindsight, I probably should have been more respectful of the work it took to be highschool athlete, but I can’t escape, even to this day, even with a better appreciation of how much work it is to train and succeed, the cliché and trope of the washed up highschool baseball player whose glory days ended after graduation.

This is all subjective. But here are some pointers for people who might decide that good old Jim Dandy has one up on me:

Do 1,000 people show up for highschool basketball games? I’m not talking regionals here, just any old game. I don’t think so.

One of Dandy’s points, again and again, is that the skill level of local roller derby is low. He’s just wrong. I would contend that he doesn’t know enough about derby to make that judgment in the first place, and that when our local team is kicking the butts of WFTDA apprentice leagues, they’re above average.

There are no overweight and slow athletes on the Thames Fatales. To be brutally honest, that was one of the reasons I co-founded LOCO Roller Derby, a recreational derby organization that fosters the sport in women of all skill levels without as much risk of injury (www.locorollerderby.com). We take all the retired, fat, slow derby girls (including myself, by the way) and skate Friday nights for fun. Some of us are better than others, but we don’t pretend to be elite athletes. The reason I don’t skate with the Fatales anymore is because, while they are welcoming to beginners and are willing to train anyone, I really had no hope of achieving their skill level. My personal experience, and the resulting time and energy I invested in starting an alternate league, shoots down your point about athletic level in local derby. In fact: the existence of LOCO Roller Derby proves that FCDG and the Thames Fatales are an elite athletic group.

Derby is no longer come one, come all. Yes, it is inclusive, but people who lack skill and commitment are naturally weeded out. You have to be able to practice at least twice a week – and from my experience, that’s not enough for most. You have to live and breathe derby. These women skate every day. They work out at the gym. They go on bus trips and practice with other teams and attend training schools and retreats. Some of these retreats, like Rollercon in Nevada, attract thousands of participants.

They work just as hard as those douche Knights that went to my best friend’s highschool ever did. And they treat women better.

Maybe I just was born with a distaste for highschool sports. In the end, I think that Jim Dandy and I can agree on one point – derby deserves to be in the paper as much as anything else. It’s really up to the reporters. I was trying to raise awareness, and I did so at the expense of highschool sports, and that’s really because I was a geek in highschool.

So all the geeks can come over to my side of the room…

UPDATE:

I realized that some people might think this post infers that A. All the LOCO girls suck at derby and B. All the Fatales are hardcore and aspiring derby skaters don't have a hope. Neither of these things are true. There are amazing derby skaters in LOCO and newbies who get on the roster with FCDG. The point is: FCDG is "elite" and those women exhibit extraordinary athleticism.

Burly Caps Rule

2010-11-11T15:03:00.000-08:00

Check it out! I got white caps for my 187 knee pads!

They're made by a Canadian guy and you can buy them here: www.burlycaps.com. You can use them on 187s, Boneless, Scabs, Fatboy and Pro Designed knee pads, and he'll send them to you for $30 including shipping. Now, some of you might be intimidated by the idea of changing up pad caps, so here are some photos to show you how easy it is.

Here's how my pads looked at the beginning. There's black duct tape on them -- I was experimenting, since the hockey tape meant that my pads didn't slide, but I needed to stop them from marking the floor. Just so you know, black duct tape marks the floor too. I don't know what I was thinking.

The caps have velcro on them that attaches to the pads. The pads have a nifty velcro surface.

Peel 'em off carefully though, because the strips of velcro tend to want to come off the back of the cap.

Voila! White caps are becoming popular in derby -- they satisfy the requirements of picky rink owners and keep floors nicer. You can also buy Scabs, but they fit small and most women over a size 10 have trouble with them -- they're really designed for skinny boys. I found white caps for 187s on the Sin City skate website too, but they were very expensive for shipping. What I love about the Burly Caps is that they are Canadian made and work so well for so many different types of pads. The guy emailed me and said he would even do bulk deals for derby teams.

I'll let you know how they slide after practice tomorrow!

Vansterdamn

XXX

Skate-A-Thon Success!

2010-09-03T12:19:00.001-07:00

The turn out for our first annual LOCO Skate-A-Thon was fantastic -- and not fully represented by the picture above. Everyone brought out their families, their kids, their parents, their friends and we had a terrific time. We raised lots of money for the league and enjoyed the beautiful sunny day. Nia Capps is ready to give birth any day and still showed up to show her support, and Vegas worked her butt off getting the meat and corn ready, and veggie burgers for those so inclined. We stuffed a row of picnic tables with salads and desserts that everyone brought -- although people seemed hesitant to try my bright green jello mold :( I had to throw most of it out, very disappointing. Whatever. I'll keep bringing them to every potluck. They're fun to make and I still think they look impressive even if no one will eat them.

I learned a lesson at the Skate-A-Thon: I suck at outdoor skating! I'm also a massive whiner, which made skating next to me pretty miserable for anyone. Most of the girls took off and headed on the mapped out hour-long route, which I had intended to do! However, I just kept falling. A lot. In front of people. Who always asked if I was okay. I was super slow and my back was aching. Look, skating outside is really good for you in derby preparation. It helps you build muscle and agility and everything you need to be good at the sport. But I probably need to start with 15 minute increments and not jump in feet first. I found the paths to be really hard to navigate with their rough texture, cracks, and many slight inclines. I got sick of hearing myself complain!

However, I'd pledged to skate for an hour, so I found a section of the path that I could manage and skated back and forth on it for a while to make up for not skating all the way. Next year I'm going to do the whole route!

The important thing, I think, is that we came together to make our league better. LOCO is full of ladies who really care about making the league as good as it can be, love hanging out together and want to be good at derby. What else could you ask for?

Vansterdamn

Skate-A-Thon!

2010-08-22T06:14:00.000-07:00

The LOCO Skate-A-Thon is only one week away!

Supporting roller derby in your city is a great cause to support, whether you're buying tickets to a bout, getting merchandise or giving a donation for an event like this one. Derby gives women a chance to empower themselves, build social networks and get in shape. It's a sport run by and performed by women, and built from the ground up by volunteers. Support your local derby!

I've received pledges as low as $5 and as high as $25. If you would like to pledge money towards one hour of skating (for me, yes, surprise, I will be skating) you can give it to me in person or send it to my paypal account (daffy_cat@yahoo.com).

In other news, I bribed my podcast buddy's wife, my new friend Erin, to come out to try LOCO and she loved it. This afternoon we're heading to our local rink to practice and see if she can buy some skates at the pro shop. Good stuff! Can't wait for the extra skate time. I am woefully out of shape. My quads can barely lift me off the ground and my cardio is nil. I need this workout really badly, and I'm hoping I can get back up to speed soon. The great thing about LOCO is, there's no pressure. I can take my time, on my schedule.

If you, like my pal, would like to try LOCO and descend into the madness that is roller derby, send me an email! I'll hook you up with equipment and make sure to stand by your side. And, if you'd like to hear my podcast, go to allyourbasecast.libsyn.com.

Vansterdamn XXX

Juliette Lewis

2010-08-12T10:48:00.000-07:00

I bought my tickets to see Juliette perform months ago, when I was still pregnant. I wasn't sure how I would feel about leaving my baby at home at two months of age, but in the end I'm so glad I went out. It was my first big excursion since Jack came along. He was safe at home last Sunday night with Daddy and my hard-earned pumped milk, and I headed out to meet a bunch of LOCO girls at Call the Office.

When you spend all day at home with your baby looking at the same four walls, it can be nerve wracking to go out. I spent way too long getting ready when I should have just thrown on a tee shirt and jeans, even though I think I looked pretty good in my jumpsuit and my hair all done up. I got there around 7 pm with a non-derby friend and her buddy Paul, and met up with Smashley Judd, Mean McLean, Vegas, AssaCin and Chlorine Clementine, later joined by Betty Bones and Angie. There were probably more of us there, so if you don't see your name here, my apologies. It was great to stand out on the patio, have a cold beer and a dirty cigarette and feel like I was 21 again.

Let me be perfectly honest, I was nervous when I saw the gang of Forest City Derby Girls. They looked awesome in their derby gear, just as I expected, representing their sport to see 'Iron Maven' perform live. I didn't know what to expect, but they were really friendly. Back Alley Sally had seen my post that mentioned my dream about her (and looking back, I do blog about her a lot! but I swear, I'm not a creeper!), and seemed determined to make my dream come true, as cheesy as that sounds. After the show we all hung out and swapped funnies. Killson and I talked about breastmilk, and Mirambo and I screamed over how amazing it was that Juliette pulled her up on stage! In the bathroom we made fun of the "hover-shits" -- really, who tries to hover and shit at the same time? By midnight, we were dancing together, beers in the air, cheering on some major grinding derby booty. I even got rubbed up on by CommieKaze.

Who knows what to make of that? All the derby girls were out, and they were all getting along. There were hugs and smiles, and I even got my ass pinched. At the very least, I think I can say that we can put our differences aside and be civil. I hope that in the future we'll be able to work together, cross-promoting and bringing derby to a whole new level in London, Ontario.

And since I know that Back Alley is totally going to read this (who's the creeper now? he he), let me give a shout to FCDG, Juliette and the future of derby in London, Ontario.

Vansterdamn XXX

My Grand Return!

2010-07-27T07:02:00.000-07:00

This weekend was packed with derby events, the biggest being the Pride Parade. A bunch of us LOCO gals went down Dundas Street, some on skates and some not, to promote our recreational derby league. Lots of people were interested and we handed out tons of flyers. Plus, it was Pride! so it was a helluva lot of fun!

This was also my first outdoor skate in a year. Any roller skater can tell you that skating outdoors is a very different experience from skating inside. The tiniest pebble can put you on your ass, and Dundas Street is no smooth sailing. I hadn't been outdoors in ages, and even though I skated on Friday night at LOCO's weekly skate night, I was still nervous. Fortunately, people told me I didn't look as nervous as I felt, although it seemed to me I spent the whole skate with my head down looking for cracks to step over and debris to avoid. Some helpful bystanders assisted me in getting on and off the sidewalk -- those damn cobble stones! -- just going to show how friendly and fun Pride events are. The community in London really came together and it was a great time. Afterwards, we skated back to the Morrisey House, where we have our weekly pub night, and had a pint together. My husband joined us with my little boy Jack (in the picture above) and our pal Eric. Good times.

I was also really impressed with the baby shower for Nia Capps on Saturday, which was basically all derby girls and was also really fun. I'm a sucker for little white bread sandwiches and cheesy games, so showers are always appealing to me, but a shower full of derby girls is even better.

Friday night was my first full skating practice, and I took it easy. I didn't want to wake up the next day with a lot of muscle pain. But I should have pushed myself harder because I was fine! From now on, I'm going to giv'r 'cause I want to get back in shape and back to some wicked skating. Our league is looking at scrimmaging soon, and just because we aren't competing with ranking teams doesn't mean I don't want to kick ass in our own league's scrimmage game! If derby is anything, it's a challenge to push yourself beyond your limits and I want to see how far I can go.

Vansterdamn XXX

Resolution

2010-07-21T09:28:00.000-07:00

Last night, I dreamed that Back Alley Sally and I got drunk and had a good talk, and that everything was okay. I dreamed that I was skating with FCDG again. Nothing had ever happened to make that impossible. I dreamed that everyone was getting along and that I was still in derby the way I used to be.

Maybe it's depressing to start my return to derby with these thoughts, but I can't help it. It's no secret that starting LOCO caused a rift between two groups of derby girls in London, Ontario. While I love the ladies at LOCO and find that group of women totally rewarding--I wouldn't want to skate with anyone else--I can't help but look back and think about what I walked away from and feel sorry that things happened the way that they did.

But the truth is, I could never have gone back to FCDG anyway. I can see now that I would never have chosen to be away from my newborn son for the two nights a week and away-games that competitive derby requires; and while there are lots of moms who play competitive derby and kick ass doing it, I'm just not going to be one of them at the moment. Regardless of anything else, I don't have the space in my life to commit to competitive derby.

That's been the ongoing problem with my life as a derby girl. When I first started to skate with the London Thrashers back in 2006, I ended up taking time off to make wedding plans and get ready for that next big step in my life. Even then, I didn't have time for derby. I think this was why I never got where I was heading. I could never fully commit.

It's because of this that I have a sense of peace heading back to LOCO. I've gotten closer to this group of derby girls, who have followed my journey through pregnancy, begged to see my new baby and gotten totally excited for me to come back and skate with them. We don't take big hits and we don't compete with other teams, but we love derby and we love to skate. We love to go out for beers on a Friday night and have a laugh. We're all coming from the same place, as women who think derby is a kick ass sport but for some reason or another can't skate competitively.

This weekend promises to be super fun. After my triumphant return on wheels at the Friday night practice, we have a baby shower for Nia Capps on Saturday and are skating in the Pride Parade on Sunday -- something I have always wanted to do! I feel exhilarated to return to LOCO, and I'm excited to see how the group grows. In this next period of my life, I hope that my involvement with this new group will be positive and that we'll build something great together.

I've also decided that this blog belongs to me and only me. In the past, I've taken down posts that people thought were negative about the sport or about local teams. But this blog doesn't belong to a team or a league or a sport. It belongs to me, and it's here to tell my story -- and that's what I'm doing from here on out.

Another Piece of Pie Please....

2010-03-09T09:17:00.000-08:00

Today the Guardian explored the idea that health isn't based on weight....shocker!

A Brief Word About Kevin Smith

2010-02-26T10:53:00.000-08:00

First of all, I'm going to see Cop Out this weekend to celebrate my 30th birthday, no matter what the idiot reviewers say, and Kevin--if you ever read this--Ebert gave you more stars that Valentine's Day so the haters can suck it.

Second, I want to say something about my dear Mr. Smith's ejection from a Southwestern Airlines flight. A lot has already been said, but I'm a loud mouth so I talk when I want to. I've read a lot of blogs, articles, posts, etc. etc. about this topic. I've come out firmly in support of Mr. Smith in any forum. What are ghastly to me are the comments I read that have been posted on these blogs, articles, etc. They are filled with vitriol, hatred and fear.

Why do people think that being fat is my fault?

Let me, for a moment, dignify this idea with a response. I don't own a car, therefore I walk--a lot. I'm an active member of a sports league in my city. I eat 1500-2500 calories depending on the day. Christmas might bring me near 3000, but honestly, eating that much makes me want to barf. I'm pregnant right now, which would be the perfect time to "eat for two" right? give in to all my fatty fatty impulses, right? Well, I've only gained 15 lbs or so, and I'm 6 months into the process.

My body wants to be over 200 lbs. This is where it likes to be.

Before ravaging my metabolism with dieting, encouraged by my parents, my doctor and the shame of my peers, my body liked to be at about 180 lbs. That is where it liked to be. I hope that by treating my body with the love and respect it deserves, someday it might heal itself and return to its natural resting state.

To prepare for my wedding, when I was still subject to dieting, I ate 1500 calories a day, I cycled for 1.5 hours a day, went to the gym for 1 hour 5 days a week. In over a year, I lost only 20 lbs. I got married at approximately 200 lbs. Clearly, dieting did not work for me. It didn't work when I was 11, it didn't work when I was 27.

There are people who eat themselves to death. I know one such person. But I know a helluva lot of fatties, and one person out of allllll those fatties is not a lot. I also know someone who has dieted themselves into a heart condition trying to lose weight after being shamed by spouse and family members to lose, lose, lose.

Dieting is bad for you. Stop.

Hating fat people is bigoted. Stop.

And putting "people of size" in special seating arrangements is just as bad as doing it to "people of colour."

This is not even pointing out that my 6'5 husband has to get bulkhead seating to fly to Europe and has had to do so since reaching his current height at the age of 12. But hey, maybe if he'd taken some anti-growth pills or been on a strict anti-heigh regime, this could have been prevented.

I know that one little blog post won't save the world, but at least I'm not just another anonymous fatty on the evening news. I have a voice.

Vansterdamn damn damn the haters
XXX

LOCO's Launch Nite

2010-02-15T08:33:00.000-08:00

Our first night of LOCO Roller Derby was a great success.

Lots of ladies turned out and all our costs were covered. But most importantly, everyone got to skate! -- well, not me, cause I'm knocked up. But I got to watch everyone skate and lead some drills! I've never led drills before, so I was a little nervous. Their red cheeks told me that I was making sure everyone had a good work out. It was a great first night, with so many smiles and laughs, some familiar faces and new friends. Afterwards, we shared pints at the Morrisey House -- I had root beer -- and joked around, laughing and getting to know each other. Kudos to Pepper Assault who drove all the way from Kitchener! We also had someone from Mount Brydges and one from St. Thomas. There were familiar faces like Betty Bones, Assacin and Roxem Hard, as well as lots of new faces. I can't wait to see how the group comes together. I already have good feeling about it.

Derbyluv,

Vansterdamn XXX

Recreational Roller Derby Leagues

2010-02-11T13:10:00.000-08:00

Just in case anyone still has doubts about the viability of Recreational Roller Derby in London, Ontario, here are some links to other Rec Leagues that are sprouting up all over North America. While we still truly admire our ass-kicking full-time competitive derby stars, there's a place for those of us who can't go full throttle for whatever reason:

Texas Rec-N-Rollerderby

Houston Roller Derby Recreational League

Northern Ohion wRECK Roller Derby

Derby Lite in Illinois

St. Chux Derby Chix

Wreckin' Roller Rebels

Ottawa's Recreational League

What is LOCO?

2010-02-09T05:22:00.000-08:00

LOCO is launching this Friday!!!!

This Friday, February 12th, 2009, marks the beginning of something new for me and something new for derby in London. It's time to revive and revamp my blog to celebrate! A group of gals is going to be meeting at the downtown YMCA from 7-9 pm to skate derby style and go for drinks after at the Morrisey House. We've started a Low Contact Derby League. In response to questions and reactions (some positive and negative), I thought I would take a moment to introduce this league and explain what it means to our city and our local derby culture.

Derby has changed in the last couple of years, accelerating particularly since 2008. The WFTDA stream of derby teams have become incredibly athletic. This year's national champions, Olympia's Oly Rollers, have a professional speed skater on their team as a jammer. Many women who participated in the original resurgence of roller derby are finding that they are older, injured, or simply can't keep up with the new level of athleticism that has become a reality in the game. Another camp of ladies feel the loss of the old-school hardcore style of derby that has been replaced with sportsmanship and rules.

This led to two offshoots of roller derby, represented by two 'movements': Derby Lite and Renegade Roller Derby. The Renegades play derby with no-holds-barred. They'll elbow you in the teeth and put you in a coma. Those ladies play games with no penalties and heavy injuries. Derby Lite, on the other hand, leans in the direction of making derby-style skating accessible to all women--like yoga or pilates. They have modified rules that allow for pickup games and low-contact. They don't play competitively. Both of these groups are offshoots of "mainstream" WFTDA-style derby, although some are associated with WFTDA teams.

LOCO Roller Derby (London, Ontario's Low-Contact Roller Derby) is inspired by Derby Lite from Illinois. We found that there were an increasing number of women in London, Ontario that wanted to skate derby-style, but were held back from participating in our local WFTDA-style team for a variety of reasons. For example:

They didn't want to get hurt
Financial issues
Transportation difficulties
Too much time commitment
Fear of re-injury
Pressure to compete

To be clear, LOCO Roller Derby is not associated with Forest City Derby Girls in anyway. In fact, it appeals to a completely different crowd. None of the women coming to LOCO this Friday would be participating in FCDG for whatever reason -- but a $5 occasional derby-style skate is something they've been longing for.

Some people might see LOCO as competing with FCDG, but that was never the intention--and in fact, it's an impossible outcome. There might be girls that come to LOCO that are looking for full-contact, competitive derby, and if they are, we'll direct them to FCDG. We'll consider the Thames Fatales our home team, and attends their bouts as volunteers and fans. We'll be promoting roller derby in the city, build a new base of fans and enliven roller derby culture. We look forward to doing joint fundraisers and helping each other out. This is a chance for roller derby in London, Ontario to grow.

I know not everyone is going to see things that way, but I have to admit that I am nothing but excited about this Friday's launch. We've heard from former derby girls who are coming back to the sport on a more casual basis, and women who otherwise wouldn't be even considering trying it out. The low-contact aspect of our skating make the sport approachable to women who wouldn't even think of trying it otherwise. I hope this leads to more skaters for FCDG, and also a venue for people like me who are looking for less pressure and a chance to enjoy derby without the additional stress.

Why am I excited about LOCO? Well, after Whip It came out and I got pregnant, the reality hit me pretty hard that I wasn't in the place to skate in a WFTDA team. This is partly because of my own athletic level, and that's my responsibility. But there was also the truth that with 19 year-old hockey players and rugby players coming up the ranks, there wasn't much room for a 200+ lbs., 30 year old who never played sports in her life. No matter how much better I got, someone was always going to be ahead of me. It depressed me. I found myself breaking down into tears during and after practices. I missed the girls, I loved the sport, but the pressure was just too much. Thinking about trying to get back up to speed after having a baby made me just want to give up.

I had to reassess. What was it I loved about derby? First, I loved the sport. Second, I loved the friends. And third, I loved the feeling of power I got being on my wheels. I didn't want to give any of that up.

LOCO lets me think of derby as a lifelong pursuit, rather than something I have to retire from or give up or pressure myself about or guilt myself about. I can take all of that out of the picture and just enjoy myself. I'm excited to meet new friends and make this happen. And I hope that in the future all the derby girls in London will find that they can work together to promote this highly addictive and fantastic female sport in our city.

Vansterdamn

XXX

Plus and Pregnant

2009-12-10T03:15:00.000-08:00

This post will be related to derby, I promise.

Being plus and pregnant brings to the forefront some issues with fat acceptance and self love that I don't normally have to deal with. You see, when you are not pregnant and plus size, people don't get to give you unsolicited advice. But as soon as you are pregnant, your body is not your own -- a concept I don't agree with. My body and my baby are my business. It's just that other people don't seem to get that. They seem to think that I need their great advice, and that I am actually too stupid to have read a pregnancy book. And while I know this is common -- every pregnant woman gets to complain about unwanted nausea remedies and belly rubs -- not every pregnant woman gets the constant advice to eat well and exercise. Because I am plus size, people assume that I don't. People assume that because I am fat, I eat crap and don't exercise.

In fact, the opposite is true. But I don't want to condescend to this attitude by listing my caloric intake and exercise schedule to every doofus that comes my way. If you think this is just an excuse for me not to confess to eating crap and not exercising, you are probably one of those people.

This comes on the tail of me finding an old math test from Grade 3 where I wrote in pencil at the top "I'm a cow" to which my teacher kindly wrote in her friendly blue pen "No, you are not!" with a smiley face. But this didn't make up for the fact that clearly I had internalized issues of weight and self worth before puberty. Breaking free of associating my self-worth with my weight was the best thing I ever did for myself (thanks to this book) and while I have days where I feel like I'm back at square one, my self confidence, my sex life and frankly my fashion sense have changed so much I sometimes feel like a different person. I wish I could go back in time and change my own brain so that I didn't waste so many years crying over spilt milk -- heh heh, or too many glasses of non-skim.

And now the derby connection.

As I'm sure you can guess, with a physical sport, the way you feel about your body in derby is a big deal. My favourite thing about the sport, before I even read that magical book, was how empowering roller derby made me feel. But I also noticed that when I couldn't keep up and had trouble next to other athletic girls (I've never been athletic, even when I was thinner) I worried that people were judging me. And I'm sure some of them were. I'm sure some of them thought that if I cut back my cheeseburger chuffing diet I would magically become a super athlete.

The truth is that after I got married, I gained a lot of weight -- not all of it healthy, but most of it in reaction to an insane work out schedule I had pre-wedding (I should post about that another time). I couldn't perform in derby the way I had before I got married, because I wasn't working out five days a week anymore. It was pretty embarrassing. But even with my desire to make my body stronger and more empowered -- not thinner, I have to confess that I'm glad I've got my nine month injury while my league is doing this thing called INSANITY, which consists of some things that are basically, well, insane.

I don't have the program to review, but I know that there is a body fat percentage test, a BMI test and measurement requirements. At the end of the program -- which sounds hellish -- they are determining a winner based on results. If I had been skating I would have refused all of the first three requirements because they would have, I guarantee, put me back in my old mentality and achieved nothing but inducing a night of binge drinking and self loathing. And I would have completed the program perfectly, with some results, but I'm sure someone thinner would do better because you know, people who lose weight easily can already do that. One big misconception that people have is that everyone can lose weight if they just follow some pretty simple steps (eat so many calories, exercise so much). And it's not true. Don't you think if I could be thin, I would be?

So, instead of just disapproving of such a program, let me suggest something better.

I would like to see a fitness contest including results based on positive reinforcement. For example, to encourage healthy eating a person could have a minimum number of fruits and vegetables to eat a day and a minimum number of glasses of water. Strength and endurance tests could measure success. For example, I could run for 5 minutes before, and now I can run for 20 minutes. Or, I could lift 5 lbs. before, and now I can lift 30 lbs. In this way, such a test would accomplish the same goal -- to make the body better for the sport -- without participating in frankly sexist and prejudice mindsets that participate in supressing the female spirit in our culture.

On a final note, I would point anyone who is interested in learning more to this amazing website (she has a great post on BMI and how stupid it is), and also say that this post is not meant to criticize my fellow roller girls who are bravely putting themselves through physical torment over the holidays to become better skaters. I admire their goal, even if I disagree with their method of achieving it. After my baby comes, I plan to hit the gym 5 days a week with my husband who is off for paternity leave, and come back next September or October feeling svelt and ready to knock some bitches over -- but not necessarily any thinner.

Vansterdamn XXX

UPDATE: I got myself more up to speed on the Insanity workout, and it looks like a really good workout program. I would just like to see it without the requirements of BMI and stuff, and instead see success based on results of other tests such as strength and endurance -- which in the end, are really the point.

For My Fellow Big Ass Derby Girls

2009-12-02T14:18:00.001-08:00

This movie looks great. Just watching the trailer reminded that FAT IS NOT A DEROGATORY TERM. I'm fat, and I love myself! And I am Healthy At Every Size.

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1791863791/get-in-the-pool-with-fat-girls-float

--Vansterdamn XXX

I'm Pregnant!

2009-11-24T13:22:00.000-08:00

Fatales v. Dishes 70 - 72

Our last bout at the Western Fair was a tight one, and I watched the whole thing from the scoreboard. Magically, it was the first time nothing at the scoreboard went wrong! I should say, not magically, but because of our Head Ref, Ormedrebel (whose name I have never quite grasped) came up with a killer system that basically worked out all the bugs.

I'd missed a lot of practices because I found out in October that I'm knocked up, so I expected some questions and I decided not to lie. Reactions from the derby girls were mixed. Lots of congratulations, but also some sadness because it means I'll be off my skates for 9 months, and probably not back to practice for about 12 -- if you're my baby and you're reading this, that's okay with me, cause you are more important than derby!

Nevertheless, derby gets under your skin, and it's amazing how much you want to stay involved even when you can't skate. This accounts for people like Dawn Kashane coming to all our practices and watching from the sidelines while she's off with her leg injury. And it accounts for me getting a documentary crew from Ryerson to come and tape our practice for a short film!

A friend of a friend contacted me on facebook to see if our team would be ready and willing. I said yes before even mentioning it to our league president, Sufferjet. Of course! We would love to be in the documentary! They came down to tape practice on November 19th -- after playing some cat and mouse on the country roads -- and we can't wait to see what they turn out for us.

As for me, I miss the girls. I miss practice. I know I can go and watch, but I also know that now is when to spend my extra time planning, nesting, organizing and baby-proofing. I'm due this coming June, around the 12th or 14th, and it's going to sneak up on me. So, while the girls are huffing it in their freezing cold bunker, I've made the choice to hunker down with my man and make our house ready for the newest member of our family.

That's not to see I don't still have a finger in the derby pie.....

WE WON! 149-95!

2009-10-06T09:06:00.000-07:00

HOORAY WE ARE AWESOME!

On Saturday October 3, the Thames Fatales faced off against Ottawa's undefeated Slaughter Daughters. Incredible. You can read about it HERE and HERE. Oh, and Whip It came out. Read about that HERE.

But let me tell you about my experience this weekend.

It started with going to see Whip It on Friday night with the girls. We were originally supposed to go see it at Rainbow Cinemas, but they didn't get the film last minute. So, we were stuck. Where to go? Fortunately, I go to a church that holds its services in Silvercity, so my pastor hooked me up with a contact in management. They agreed to things beyond our wildest dreams! They let us skate outside, flyer everyone who came into the theatre, rope off seats and give an announcement to the crowd. Awesome! The movie was also amazing, and you can read my review of it HERE.

I felt so much camaraderie with the girls that night. Nia Capps and I split a cab home after, talking the whole time about how she was going to play her first bout the next day. I have to admit, I'm totally jealous. Nia deserves to be on the roster -- she's a better skater than I am, and her devotion to derby is unsurpassed. But my latest knee injury has made it impossible for me to even strive to still make it into a jam this season. Them's the breaks, I guess. At least I don't have a broken collar bone like Mirambo. There are worse injuries. Besides, I just have to be patient. Another few months of training will only make my debut more exciting!

There have also been lots of new girls coming out on Tuesdays, which makes me hope that maybe we'll get a second team going again. Some of them will be training for a long time, like me, but there are others that might be ready for spring. I can't wait to see how they all grow, and it's a real confidence booster on Tuesdays to be able to help out others using my own skills.

Saturday before the game my husband was in a wedding. In the wedding. That means I had to go, no matter what. Don't get me wrong, I think the bride and groom are great. But I would miss anything except my mother's funeral for a game (love ya mom!). The groomsmen came to our house in the morning to get ready. I ironed three shirts and tied four double-Windsors. Then they were out the door. I got ready, up-do and all. I think I looked really pretty :)

Then I went to the wedding out in Melbourne. It was really beautiful. The bride looked lovely, as did the groom and the setting was gorgeous. I figured that the wedding was at 4, we'd be eating by 5:30 or so, and I could vamoose at 7 unnoticed during the reception. But when 7 o'clock came around, we were still eating the main course. I was totally humiliated, but I ducked my head down low and walked out, without even a kiss to my hubby -- he knew where I was going. I got in the car and drove fast to London to be at the bout.

I ran into the Canada Building in my dress, with my hair up and tore my way through the crowd to the bathroom where I quickly made-over myself into a derby girl, short skirt and all. I was just in time! It was 8 o'clock, time for wheels to roll.

Because I'm not skating, I'm doing scoreboard. Now, I've been doing scoreboard for two seasons. I know my way around the box. It's this little digital box from circa 1982 and there's a demon monkey living inside of it. THE BOX makes running scoreboard challenging, so I was really glad I was there on time, and that no one had to cover for me, because if they had, they would have found that the demon monkey was in over drive. We have two 30 minute periods. From the clock counter at 30:00 to 20:00, you have to press a different button to stop the clock than from 20:00 to 00:00. Oh, and at the 20:00 mark the clock just stops. It just doesn't want to go any more. So you have to keep an eye on it to start it again. This, coupled with the ever changing experiments for reffing and scorekeeping have made my job at bouts a challenge, and it's my own little personal drama. Honestly, who cares about the scoreboard keeper? I mean, they want to cheer on the girls and there's more exciting drama on the track. But I had my own little jam, me VS. THE BOX on Saturday night. And with the challenges on the points that kept happening, it was an adrenaline filled night.

Not to mention the exciting game. Exciting is an understatement. I put it to someone this way:

"This is London, Ontario. Kurt Cobain could come back from the dead, play a show at Call the Office, and the crowd would just . But for this game, they were cheering so loud! It was incredible! I was like, are we in London?"

I can't wait to see our game on November 7th against the Tri-City Champions. I hope to be in it, but that's a tall order considering I still can't put weight on my right knee. Killson calls this "maid's knee," and showed me stretches, so I'm on the right track, but it still might be next spring before I skate my first bout.

After two years of training, I WILL BE SKATING IN THE SPRING.

When the game was over we found ourselves at Scot's Corner witnessing Commiekaze's transformation into "Anastasia," where she sang Pink at the karaoke. We toasted Nia's first win, and laughed our asses off. This was a great weekend. Roller derby is amazing, and I wouldn't give it up for anything.

Vansterdamn XXX

FREAK SHOW!

2009-09-29T08:04:00.000-07:00

ROAD TRIP TO A FREAK SHOW!!!!

What does a rollergirl road trip look like? Metal and Manicures!

We hit the road to go to our game against Tri-City on Saturday, loaded up with Peaches, L7 and a little bit of green nail polish. It was a great feeling, piled in the car together and laughing all the way. The way home was a little more sombre. The game was tough, our girls did well, but we all really wanted to win. You can read some great details here. The score had a pretty wide spread, 124-45, but it was an exciting game to watch and the score doesn't really reflect how well matched the teams were in terms of skating skill. I can't get enough of seeing Mirambo roll out of a fall and jump back up on her feet to run on her toe stops. Elle Boes jammed awesomely! And Jemecide is showing some mad blocker skills. I swear, I thought I saw Beyonslay out there once or twice.

But, it's not always about winning. Sometimes it's about supporting each other, and those pitfalls can be a chance to build that support system. I was so psyched to see Assacin at the game, and Ms. Behavin', Kurl Up 'n' Die, and Dawn Kashane--all girls who were off the track for one reason or another. And lots of Fresh Meat were there, including my carful, and Reaping Willow. Our group is turning out to be pretty viciously loyal to one another, and it's true that derby is like a drug. It gets under your skin. When life stops you from skating, you feel it itching. Going to a bout to support the team is like a little bit of sedative. But I'm getting really anxious to skate. Right now I feel like my knee is all that is holding me back. That and some much needed scrimmaging.

People loved our calendar, and we had a really good showing of fans in the crowd. Drummed up lots of interest in our upcoming bout (more on that later).

Plus, Tri-City puts on a good show. The crowd wasn't huge, but it was passionate. I felt like a lot of people knew each other. They have great spirit and that spirit is was we all have in common. I even ran into a regular from book store where I work. He's going to be in town next weekend, so I think I got some business for the bookstore and the bout at the same time. One big advantage of our space over Kitchener's: we have beer.

I think Nia Capps and I are courting to become derby wives. Aren't we cute together?

-Vansterdamn XXX

Update on Aggravation!

2009-09-17T10:37:00.000-07:00

Just in case you were going to suggest it, I have called my doctor.

Twice.

I just got off the phone again.

Nothing.

"We'll call you."

ACK! M***er F***er! I could spit scream ack ack ack! If I could skate, I would take out my frustration that way. Instead, all I can do it go home and read a book. DAG NABBIT!!!!!

Vansterdamn XXX

Aggravation!

2009-09-17T09:57:00.000-07:00

My freaking doctor has not given me the results of my xray yet!

If I have a broken knee cap, then I can't skate. Apparently it takes 6-8 weeks to heel, no cast, you just walk around like normal, and that's how people break it without knowing it, cause it doesn't hurt. And if I were to fall on it while it's broken, I could cause a permanent injury and end my derby career. So have to wait. It is making me insane! It's amazing, when you can't skate you realize how deep derby gets under your skin.

I'm missing so much! We have three games this fall, and there is promo work to do -- I can flyer on my own, but other stuff too -- and organizing, and hip checking...and I can't be a part of it!

This has been a really painful awful lesson to learn, and I will never put on a pair of skates without knee pads again in my life.

Mangled Knee!

2009-09-08T08:05:00.000-07:00

I'm a bit behind in my posting, so all apologies. A week ago last Friday I fell at open skate and mangled my knee. Let me explain: I was testing out my wheels for the Smarty Pants boot camp. We always skate on a concrete floor, and I wanted to check which wheels would be good for the wooden floor at the North London Optimist Community Centre. It was a Christian skate, so when I fell down and screamed the F word, there was an added humour factor. My pal who was skating with me encouraged me to keep it moving. I skated to one more song (it was numb and tingly, and really hurt -- but I used my "game face"), and then we left.

The next morning I got up determined to skate at the boot camp. I did, although I avoided pack drills. I was too scared to fall again on the same knee. Good thing! The limited amount of skating I did filled my knee with blood and bloating. Still determined to "walk it off", I biked to Nia Capp's birthday party for a few beers.

Well, that was a bad idea!

My knee got so bloated and sore I could barely move it. (The picture above was taken after boot camp, pre-cycling, so it got even blacker than you see here). I spent the last week elevating it, compressing it, icing it, and finally went to the doctor. I'm off to get it xrayed today, just in case. It's looking a lot better, nice and yellow. The darkness has traveled down to my foot, which is a sign of healing, I guess.

On another note, the Smarty Pants boot camp was great. I was really encouraged that this practice, labeled "intermediate/advanced" was in my range of skill. This made me feel really good about my skating -- a double edged sword. Because who knows where I would be if I hadn't missed so much practice in the last two months? We have three bouts this fall (two away, one home) and I want so much to at least skate in November. This gives me about six weeks to train if my leg isn't fractured.

Cross your fingers,

Vansterdamn XXX

Smarty Pants in London!

2009-08-27T08:23:00.000-07:00

Smarty Pants, the derby girl from TXRD who you might have seen on A&E's Rollergirls, is coming to London! It's short notice for a post, but if you want to see her she'll be running a boot camp on Saturday from 1-4 at the North London Optimist Club (Cheapside & Highbury in London, Ontario).

I'm so psyched! Part of the reason I joined derby was that show. Well, first I read about it in Bust Magazine, and then I saw that show. And then I saw a poster for recruiting in our city. When I saw the show, I had thought wow, I wish I could do that! And then when I saw the poster I thought, I'm gonna try that! And now I do it. Feebly, but yes, I do it.

Another great thing is that I know one of the TXRD refs from highschool. Her name's Dee Toxin, and she's a total hard ass. When I say I know her, I really actually do, not in the way that I went to high school with Luke MacFarlane and kind've know him. I actually talk to Dee pretty often, so I'm happy to have something to say to Smarty when she comes--if I don't chicken out like I did with the Gotham Girls :)

Vansterdamn XXX

A Capital Time!

2009-07-14T09:54:00.001-07:00

This past weekend we bundled up in a bus to make our way to Ottawa, our country's capital. Our goal, of course, was to see the Slaughter Daughters get pummeled. It didn't quite work out that way, but we had a blast no matter what!

I can't wait to see Terri's pictures. We stayed out a little later than the other girls at the after party, and ended up outside the motel without a key to get in. This led to a few antics--Terri climbing 15 feet in the air inside a hedge, Carly letting her ass get some fresh air and Anya pretty much just laughing so hard I thought she might pee herself.

If you've been following my blog, you'll know I was a bit trepidatious about this trip. My husband encouraged me a few days before. He said, "You've been hanging out with these girls for a year. If they didn't like you, I think you would know." He was right. It was all in my head. I went into the weekend with high hopes and low expectations. My hopes were surpassed, starting with Back Alley flashing cars on the highway and me making myself nauseous braiding Mirambo's hair. Maybe what I was looking for was a chance to let everyone see who I am really, not just at practice but when I'm on my fifth beer and making dirty jokes. What's not to love :)

Better yet, I've discovered a lot about the other girls on the team. I feel closer to them. I feel like there's something to work for, and a lot at stake.

Next time we are in Ottawa, we WILL slaughter those daughters!

Remotivating

2009-07-06T11:32:00.000-07:00

When it takes a long time to do something, you go through ebbs and flows of enthusiasm. Coming back to derby a year ago, I was really determined to play this season. But there were complications. First of all, I'm not nearly as in shape as I was the first time I was in derby. I'm still not. The second complication was the illness I had, but hey, we're way past that now.

I missed both practices last week, and I'm going to be missing some more this month. That's frustrating. I find that missing practice really sets me back in a way I can't describe. After just one week it can feel like I'm starting back at zero.

Today in preparation for practice tonight, I concentrate on hydrating, getting out for a walk and not eating too much. That's all well and good, but I still look at goals like getting to skate in October, and now it feels almost impossible, like I'll never get there.

But this weekend I'm going to Ottawa with the team to witness our away game. And I remind myself that I get to hang out with these awesome ladies and be part of the development of this great sport. Who knows where derby will go? If it became mainstream it might lose some of its magic. But at the same time, it would be so cool to be involved at the beginning of something like basketball--which I'm sure seemed like a really weird sport during it's first decade too.

It might take forever. I might never really succeed. But I love being a part of it. I'm addicted.

On A Happier Note

2009-06-17T11:21:00.000-07:00

I was sitting here at work and suddenly remembered the image of Sufferjet sticking out her two index fingers like phalluses in front of her and shouting "This is my territory! This is my territory!"

Hilarious!

Another Talking To

2009-06-15T20:08:00.000-07:00

I've taken down this post because, well, it was really damn negative. If you are searching for it, I have it and can send it to you (email me daffy_cat@yahoo.com). However.

The gist of the post was that:

1. You can't turn derby into a chore. You have to keep it fun, and you have to do it because you love it.

2. A team is built not just on skill but on friendship.

And if you are reading this blog, join derby! Cause it is totally rewarding. It challenges your body, who you are as a person, and helps you overcome so many fears. And do it fast, before the movie comes out and you become just an Ellen Page wannabe, hee hee. Just kidding. Come out any time.

Vansterdamn XXX

A Talking To

2009-06-08T20:05:00.000-07:00

Tonight Back Alley Sally made a comment to me that reminded me of where my priorities should be. Basically, she told me that the only thing holding me back is my attitude. I'm not trying hard enough. It's true. I push myself, but not as far as other people push me. In derby you have to push yourself harder than anyone else. This is my biggest challenge.

To be honest, I have been hesitant lately. Coming back from New York, my husband and I have stopped using protection and are now trying to have a baby. This prospect has made me sort've put derby aside. And it's not like derby is, I dunno, a calling from the Lord or something, but I really love it, I really want to do it, and I keep putting other things first. You see, they are always justifiable things. "I'm getting married" or "We're trying to have kids." But the thing about derby is that if you really want it, you fit it in and around those things. And the girls become part of those life events. I have to let derby take me in, instead of pushing it back.

I mean, who cares if I get pregnant? Really. I'll find out and then I'll stop. It's not like one practice is going to do any damage. I need to give'r like nothing is going to get in my way. And when I am knocked up I'm going to work out and come back ten times stronger than when I left.

What can I do now to be a better rollergirl? For starters, I need to be at every practice--which is a challenge when I don't have a car. I rely on getting rides. But I have to try my hardest to be there. I need to practice more outside, at the park, at the local rink. I need to make a point of being more physical in my every day life. The two weak points I have physically are my quads and my cardio. More walks, and squats. Switch Hit Her suggests I climb stairs to kill those two birds with one stone. And I have to eat energy food that makes this machine run smooth--however, as a big proponent of HAES (Healthy At Every Size) I am not dieting. I don't care if I lose a pound. In fact, if I can keep my booty and get the strength and agility to move it around, I will be a lethal force.

Why am I holding myself back? Am I scared of a real bout? Or am I scared of finally being one of the girls I look up to instead of just observing?

Vansterdamn XXX

In the Mud!

2009-06-01T13:05:00.000-07:00

On Thursday, our practice space got all wet in the rain. Anya Face dragged us outside in our running shoes to scrimmage on the grass. It was great! I took and gave harder hits than I ever have before, which really boosted my confidence. The next day, expecting to have bruises, I didn't find a single one. I'm a tough cookie, I guess! Now if I can combine that power with skating stability, I'll have it made.

Another big boost was seeing our team kick Toronto's ass, with a score of 117 to 70. Amazing! When I was watching, for the first time, I thought: "I can do that!" I saw girls skating that were slower and sloppier than I am. My desire to get on the track went through the rough.

However, the biggest problem right now is that I've gone off the pill. My husband and I are ready to have kids. I'm willing to bet that just as I'm hitting my stride, I'm going to get knocked up. It's my own fault, I know :)

Losing Your Edge

2009-05-08T08:01:00.000-07:00

Practice last night was really rough. While I was in New York, the girls went to the Beast of the East, where they had their first bouts of the season. It's like they are dogs that have tasted blood, and now they want more. I hadn't skated in two weeks, and during warm up I got booted down. They were playing like puppies, knocking each other over and laughing. Meanwhile, I was trying to get back my "skate feet". When I fell on my ass, a shock went up my back. It really got to me. For the rest of the practice, I avoided drills that were full contact and since Anya Face was running practice, that meant I missed out on about half of the night. I spent the extra time doing squats and sit-ups, but I felt people looking at me. I felt like a dork.

It's strange, because I've done those things. I've been the big girl you couldn't knock down. I used to always fall forward properly. I've pulled my way through a pack in a scrimmage. I've touched wheels and kicked it off. I've booty blocked someone into a wall. And last night, it was like I had never done any of those things.

Maybe it's because my period is coming next week. I dunno, but I was fragile. I have to get on my outdoor wheels and have some private time with me and my skates, and talk myself back into kicking some ass.

Gotham City!!!!

2009-04-26T12:50:00.000-07:00

Last night I watched the Bronx Gridlock whip their league champions' asses (the Queens of Pain) here in Gotham city. Mostly, I wanted to see Beyonslay in real life. She was there, but she wasn't skating. This confused me, but I guess she is coaching now? She's pretty private. Her profiles on myspace and the GGRD are removed, so I think she has a job that keeps her from publicizing her role in derby. Or at least that what I heard. Don't know why she's not skating, but she sure knows how to coach!

Tip for you if you are going to a game at Hunter College: It's really hot. We decided for the second half to stand up and watch at the back. And we got there 2 hours ahead of time to get a seat. It was totally unnecessary. Getting there early, however, did give me the opportunity to do trivia on the floor. That let me get some good pictures.

I learned a couple things watching the game. The Bronx Gridlock are amazing. They have two strengths: jammers with good balance and an excellent blocker strategy. Both Bonnie Thunders and Luna Impact got booty blocked often, and nearly fell backwards, but instead threw themselves forward and surprised the person in front who thought they had knocked them over. Fantastic. And they are fast. The Queens lost their blockers several times for penalties, and--I'm not trying to simply be biased--they played really dirty. I saw Suzy Hotrod full on push a Bronxer in the back when the ref wasn't looking. Playing dirty doesn't pay though.

The blocker strategy was strange. At first I was really mad at the Gridlock for abandoning their jammer when she got to the front of the pack. But then I saw what they were doing. The jammer would get up front, behind the last Queen, and would pace her, letting her think she couldn't get by. Then she would wave her hands, and another Bronxer would come up and pound the Queen, letting the jammer get by. It was brilliant. They combined this move with a whip, sending the jammer flying ahead, well out of danger. Amazing.

The after-party at Manitoba's was like a lot of Manhattan bars. It was as big as a bachelor apartment, filled with two derby teams, 20 hot pizzas, a bar and lots of fans. It was too loud to talk, too squished to move, and hot hot hot. This was a little disappointing. I wanted to talk to the girls, introduce myself, and buy Beyonslay a shot. Instead, it seemed impossible to do. I felt like a fangirl and got shy. They were celebrating, and I'm just a total stranger. So I went up to Beyonslay and got her to sign my program. She was really nice. I told her, "You kept me skating". She thanked me, but I don't think she understood. And I think a lot of star players don't understand what role models they are and how much we look up them. So, if you read this: thank you, Beyonslay. Getting your signature meant a lot to me.

Cheers,

Vansterdamn

A Not So Awesome Injury

2009-03-13T19:02:00.000-07:00

When Autumn Von Rotten threw Elle Boes into me last night, I hit the cement with a thud. My elbow screamed at me, and I said "that's a toaster" (meaning, I'm toast). I got off the track for a drill, then de-pussified and went back on to skate. I thought I was fine until I took off my cheap ass elbow pad. Then...owwwww! It really hurt.

Today I couldn't extend it all the way or flex it. My worst fear was that I had fractured my elbow, and after my long absence due to illness, I would have to be laid up with a cast. Or--worse--I would have made such a fuss over nothing, and find out I am just a wiener.

Well, it's a little of column A and a little of column B. After three hours at Urgent Care, they tell me it is just a sprain. On the one hand, I'm totally disappointed not to have a cool injury. On the other, I'm super happy not to have to miss practice. I found it very amusing to sort of see myself enjoying being at the hospital, telling the nurses about derby and how I hurt myself. The doctor asked with concern if I had hit my head--but maybe that says more about my weird personality than anything else, ha ha. I assured him I'd been wearing a helmet.

The diagnosis is simple: Advil and ICE. And new elbow pads.

I have a word of advice for all rollergirls. Spend the money on pads. It's worth every cent.

Going to New York!!!

2009-03-11T13:47:00.000-07:00

I just booked my trip to New York to visit an old friend. Let me admit, I chose the dates for this trip around watching Beyonslay skate. The student must learn from the master. Although I couldn't convince my pal to sit sui-side with me, we got tickets and they arrived in the mail yesterday. So psyched! And a bunch of her NY pals are going to join us. I'm hoping the Gotham Girls reply to my email and invite me to meet them. I would die!

My husband is the best ever. I was promising him I wouldn't spend too much in NY, and he said, "Except at the bout." I replied, "What do you mean?" He said, "You have to spend lots at the bout. Get tee shirts and stuff."

Awwwwwwwwwwwww. My man, he understands me!

Doin' it, and doin' it, and doin' it well

2009-02-25T12:43:00.000-08:00

I made my grand return to derby practice Monday night. My lungs are still a problem, and I spent a disproportionate amount of time on the sidelines coughing. In our tin can practice space, that's pretty disruptive. And my puffer only helped so much. It was annoying.

On the positive side, I'm skating much better. My time off made me really hungry, and when my lungs weren't aching I gave my all. My cross-overs are getting much better. It's frustrating, because cross-overs are a really essential and basic skill and it's taking me longer than I'd like to get good at them. Without good cross-overs, you lose most of your momentum on the curves and it's impossible to keep up with the pack. It's also really vital to your strategic lateral movement and adaptability. In derby, you have to be ready for anything. I got some really excellent advice from somebody about moving my torso more and using my shoulders. It feels funny at first to move so much, and I notice not all the girls do. I'm practicing shunting my shoulders back and forth like a hockey player (it's amazing how much the Canadian cultural references to hockey images are helping me, even though I'm not a hockey fan. I can immediately translate these movements through that sport). It helps on the curves to really move my shoulders, in a way I would have felt was ridiculous before, but now see as essential. I notice some of the more zippy skaters on my team really do this, so it's productive to imitate.

Another thing that helps are my new wheels. I've finally been able to really see how they function. I can feel the drag of the softer wheel, which will increase as the temperature of our skate space does. But the grip means I can lean on them, push off them and keep up speed on the curves much more effectively. I think they make me faster over all. I would highly recommend the Flat Outs as a great overall wheel that can handle multiple surfaces. They worked really well at the North London Optimist Club's wood floor too. Being able to trust that my wheels aren't going to slide out from under me gives me confidence. I didn't realize how worn out my old wheels were until I got these ones.

It felt great to be back. I was put out by the dissolution of the Thrashers for the season. It was like someone took my long term goal away, and for a while I felt lost, like why was I doing all this if I couldn't be a Thrasher? But then I got some perspective back. The Fatales are a great team, really skilled players, and I'd be honoured to skate with them. This season we are skating as one group, and we have to stay united and work together. I'm excited about skating my first bout sometime this year, and I'm using that to propel myself forward. Plus, now I get to finally buy stuff in a team colour and start putting together an outfit for bouts.

I feel terrified but irresistibly drawn to competition.

Cheers,

Vansterdamn XXX

My Guarantee

2009-02-11T16:49:00.000-08:00

If you seriously want to get the flu, I have a guaranteed way to make it happen. Buy new equipment. Inevitably, some evil fate will befall you and stop you from breaking it in for a week or two. In my case, it was a cold followed by a flu -- source to be determined, but I will kill whoever gave it to me!

I am very excited about my new wheels, bearings and knee pads and feel confident that after I get over this sick spell I'm gonna be kicking ass. My old wheels were basically bare on the grip, so no wonder I was sliding out on the corners! Even cleaning them before every practice, they still had no traction on our cement floor. My new wheels are Flat Outs in red. They rock, and I put Bones Reds bearings in them. The quality of these bearings is contested, but I say why fight popularity? I also finally got a good quality set of plus-size knee pads.

Finding knee pads for derby as a big girl is, ahem... a big challenge. I got a pair of XL 187s. I really appreciated the measurements of the knee being made available on the site I bought them from (www.roughhouseskates.com) and they have a removable gel pad to make it easier to wash. Also, they have two sets of straps to make them extra good in their stay-put capacity.

What I'm suffering from right now is derby envy. This must be a tiny sample of what it's like to be pregnant when you're a rollergirl. I hate seeing posts from other gals excited about practice when I can't go. What is really getting under my skin is seeing posts about going to bouts, kicking each others' asses, and I'm still Fresh Meat and don't get to do that stuff yet unless it's in a scrimmage. Boo hoo. I'm getting really antsy about my skill level and as soon as my lungs will let me, I'm gonna push my body to the limit. The new equipment was good on its test run, but I only used it for one practice and not very much because my lungs were ACHING and I couldn't get any oxygen to my muscles so they were CRAMPING, making me look like the giantest pussy known to man.

Watch out Mirambo. As soon as I am better, I am coming to re-break your arm, ha ha ha.

For The Skaters, By The Skaters

2009-02-03T16:25:00.000-08:00

This is intended as an affirmation, a manifesto per se.

When derby started in Austin, Texas, a group of girls broke into two parts. The reason for the break was simple. Some of the players felt like they had no say. They were doing what they were told to do, without being given reasons. They put up with a lot of shit. In the end, they said goodbye to their leaders and started the TXRG. The TXRG went on to form the WFTDA with other founding leagues. Their philosophy was basic: "For the skater, by the skater."

The foundation of the modern derby movement is women working together to do something amazing, something astounding, something no one thought they could do. This raw power, combined with a competitive and very entertaining sport, drew crowds. Underneath it all was the power of combined female forces, building an army on skates. What kept it going were the volunteers. And what kept the volunteers going was the feeling that they were part of something.

What has been keeping me going as a skater is the feeling that I am part of that movement. By extension, I have joined the ranks of girls who stood up and said that they didn't need to be told what to do. They had a voice. They were part of it. And when no one would listen, they took ownership of their own voices and listened to each other, casting out the ears that wouldn't hear. I hope that I can continue to feel that I have a voice, that I am a part of something, and that decisions aren't made from the top down, but from the bottom up.

This post is a reminder of the motto to all skaters:

"For the skater, by the skater."

Overcoming the Fear Barrier

2009-01-27T08:17:00.000-08:00

CHECK OUT MY HELMET!!! >>>>>>>>>>>>>

One of the tricks to becoming a rollergirl is getting over the Fear Barrier. It's natural human instinct to avoid pain and collisions, so it's really a challenge to get past the horror of crash banging into people. And, if you are anything like me, changing your mindset to embrace conflict is like flipping your whole body upside down and learning to walk on your hands.

Last night at practice I had my first experience with "what happens on the track, stays on the track." During a scrimmage, I used my previously held natural instincts, and in avoiding a fall I scrambled and grabbed all over Back Alley Sally. I was like a cat climbing curtains. She flailed and pushed me off, screaming cuss words and retorting at me with real anger. Of course, once off the track she told me it was nothing, it was over -- this is normal for rollergirls. It took me a few more minutes to get over it. This is an experience I read about in Melicious's book -- which I haven't mentioned before, but got for Christmas and is really good. Anyway, it put me in mind of the fear barrier, changing my mind set, etc.

I thought I had overcome this a couple of weeks ago during a scrimmage when I pummeled Tuffy off the track with my booty. I thought, wow, I'm really powerful. I'm doing great. But my head wasn't in it last night. I found the scrimmage confusing. I lost track of my fellow blocker, and couldn't get a clear sight on where the jammer was heading to get past us. Some practices are better than others, I suppose. I just hope I don't choke and let it get to me. That's something else to get past.

When you walk down the street or drive your car, your natural inclination is to avoid bumping into other people. My Dad once waxed philosophical about this, talking about how he is amazed that so many people walk down the road and just instinctually avoid running into each other. It's true. And in derby, you have to completely alter this point of view. Instead of avoiding a collision, you seek it out, and move your obstacle out of your way.

On occasion, I feel like I need Anya Face to just slam into me and get me over this choke up. Instead, I have to depend on only myself (cause if I asked her for this favour, she would do it and I would probably regret asking!). I have to crash into myself in my own mind. At the start of a practice, I'm just Vanessa, and I have to get into the mindset of Vansterdamn, who doesn't take any shit and is there for the fight.

Rollerderby is a fight with yourself. It's a fight with your own fears, fears of your body, fears of your limitations, fears of success. What would happen if I actually succeeded at this? If I got past Fresh Meat status and became a real blocker, on a team, and played a season? It would change my sense of self. It would make me a physical, rather than cerebral person. I have to alter my identity. So the Fear Barrier is more than just getting used to moving people rather than avoiding them. It's getting over the fear of changing myself.

Cheers,

Vansterdamn XXX

Mouthguards and Markers

2009-01-24T08:06:00.000-08:00

Safety equipment is a must for any rollergirl. I have an old mouth guard I got from one of the former league members who works for an orthodontist. It's professionally moulded, but it doesn't have one of those handy things that make it hang from my helmet. So, I went and bought the Shock Doctor Gel Ultra.

The problem with this mouth guard is that I moulded it to my teeth and it wasn't comfortable. Following the instructions, I remolded for comfort, but then it would stay secure to my teeth. I followed a league mate's advice and melted the plastic and pushed all the gel back into the reservoir to try remolding it. This didn't work either. As a head's up to anyone else trying this, give it one good go, but remolding doesn't work at all.

I also got a silver marker from the dollar store to pen my helmet. Correction: a silver Sharpie never materialized, so I'm going to try this cheapass marker on my helmet. Time to decorate myself up. Sally (bff from Brooklyn) helped me gussie up a hoodie for the league Christmas party, but I want more self promotional materials around me.

Cheers,

Vansterdamn XXX

UPDATE: I got a silver sharpie from Walmart, dude!

The Fat Girl Rules

2009-01-23T12:47:00.001-08:00

I encountered something interesting today when I went to put my gym membership on hold. I've been putting off doing it forever, and it was only when I finally did it that I realized why.

Fat girls are supposed to have gym memberships.

My reasons for putting it on hold are simple. With roller derby practice twice a week, for two hours each time, it's unrealistic that I'm going to make it to the gym more than once a week. That's $10/session. That's not very economical -- it costs the same for a guest pass.

It occurred to me that there are a list of things I do or do not do because of the Fat Girl Rules. Items on this list include not jumping up and down in public, ordering salads, always ordering diet soda, missing the bus instead of running for it and never tucking in your shirt. I do (or don't do) these things because they are the Fat Girl Rules. And a fat girl without a gym membership is a sad sorry sort of girl who has given up and will let herself go into a disgusting, smeared-lipsticked cat lady with a bad dye job.

Little do people know that this fatty is in training to become a tough-as-nails blocker, and could very well kick their tushes to kingdom come. They walk around completely unaware that despite my "unhealthy" girth, I can haul ass around a rink at top speed for two hours, keeping up with girls half my size and knocking them over.

Roller derby is a sport that breaks the rules. If I'm a rollergirl, that makes me a rule breaker. So here is the first rule I am breaking on the list of the Fat Girl Rules: I'm letting go of my gym membership.

Cheers,

Vansterdamn XXX

Beyonslay: My Hero UPDATE

2009-01-21T17:52:00.001-08:00

I had posted a letter from Beyonslay that was up on a message board, and it turns out that in February 2009, she asked me to take it down! I'm such a dork. I only found it this morning when someone else pointed it out to me via comments (January 16, 2010!).

THANK YOU to the person who did.

MY APOLOGIES to Beyonslay, who is the last person I would ever want to piss off, ever ever. Although I have to say it is pretty rad that someone I admire so much checked out my blog.

Derbyluv,

Vansterdamn

Whipping You Up To Speed

2009-01-21T13:46:00.000-08:00

Here's a little background. After all, a story should always start at the beginning, right?

My discovery of the modern roller derby revival came from Bust magazine. If you haven't read it, you really should. Great little mag out of NY, edited by the author of Stitch 'n' Bitch. It made derby look amazing, a grassroots movement full of awesome girls. Then I saw the TV show, Rollergirls, on A&E. I absolutely idolized those girls. I thought derby looked freaking incredible, but never in my wildest dreams did I think I could participate. I'm a bookish girl by nature, soft in flesh and temperament. Pretty good at taking a dare, if you ask my pals, but I had never been in a fight, never been good in sports, and never challenged myself physically. Not really.

A perfect storm got me involved. Some girls started a local team, and postered downtown. At the same time, I was doing a work-out regimine to lose weight for my impending wedding (wasn't engaged yet, but when has that ever stopped a determined girl?). Because I was feeling pretty athletic due to my 5 day a week work out routine, I thought I'd give it a try.

I started skating with the London Thrashers the fall of 2006. Wow. That's a long time ago. At the time there was no league, only a team of bedraggled horrible skaters. We were getting lessons from this guy Doug at our local skating rink. Correction: it's not really a skating rink. It's a community centre with a big wooden floor where they host skating nights. I wasn't very good, but not many of us were. There were a couple of all-stars. One girl had been skating since she was a kid. Another was a natural. Neither of them are still around. It was a good time, but more drama than I could handle. I remember being on the phone with Dollface Massacre, crying my eyes out because I thought everyone hated me. We would have these three hour meetings in the change room at the Community Centre, arguing over team colours and organization and all this crap that was really stupid. Really stupid.

So, when I finally got engaged and had 4 months to plan my wedding, I realized that going to practice twice a week and dealing with all that drama wasn't going to work. I had enough going on off the track. I felt like our local group was heading towards self-destruction, and I was pretty sure I would never go back.

Fast forward two years: In the spring of 2008, I had been married for a year. Things were going really well. At a flea market, my hubby (Dave) spotted this copy of Rollergirls on DVD for $15.00, the whole first season. I picked it up. When I started to watch it, I remembered how exciting it had been to be in roller derby. This was compounded by running into Autumn Von Rotten at night clubs, and having her tell me how much better the team was. She demanded that I come back. And since I have, she glows at me like a mama who taught her toddler to pee in the toilet instead of in her pants.

This time, starting in May 2008, my attempt at derby is very different. My desire to lose weight disappeared after the wedding, and in my newlywed safe haven I found the courage to embrace body acceptance. However, I stopped working out completely after taking my vows. It's hard work to get my cardio level and muscle strength to the place where I can support my booty -- which in derby is an asset rather than a liability. For the first time in my life I'm not trying to diminish the space I take up in the world. I'm moving other people out of the way to make room for myself.

Our group is also way more cohesive now. I'm totally proud of these girls. They have built a league with two teams, the Thames Fatales and the London Thrashers, under the auspices of the Forest City Derby Girls. I'm still a newbie, because the standards are way higher to get on one of these teams since I left. The girls who could barely skate back in 2006 skate circles around me now.

I really appreciate that derby is a sport that includes attitudes of size acceptance and appreciation. As a proud plus size lady, I find power in this sport that makes me feel truly good about my body. Despite this -- and it is common knowledge that derby supports big girls -- I found it hard to access good resources for plus-size gals online who were involved in derby. That's why I started this blog. I want to chronicle my journey for other plus size gals who'd like to try derby. It's easy to get discouraged.

I'll keep you up to date, hopefully make you laugh, and give you some courage along the way.

Cheers,

Vansterdamn XXX